JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Fulham, London
First of all, I apologise for my blogging hiatus. Life and opportunities took over as always and when I'm busy, I don't have a lot of room for writing space. Anyway.. I'm back and today I wanted to talk about a shift I have had within my life, my work and my priorities.
I aim to make this a mini, quick, hello here is a brain dump type post, but just incase - grab yourself a cuppa, or a cocktail and maybe some cake?
My closest friends and family would tell you that me and my career are very much entwined. I've mentioned this quite a few times in previous posts, but I LOVE to work. I like money, I like setting goals and I guess if there was one word to describe me, some might say... ambitious. Whether its social conditioning or that I'm a Virgo, I like to be on my grind most of the time working towards my dreams, with the hopes of being even more successful.
I am a self declared workaholic (or so I used to be) and I have been always.
For the most part I have pinned my self worth onto my success and last year when I felt like a failure after the release of No Filter, it suddenly hit me that I needed to change (I wrote a post about this, to read it click here). The constant need to be showing others that I'm 'working on exciting things', lack of sleep and the guilt that comes with having time off needed to vacate my life quicker than Trump needs to vacate this planet.
In October 2017 I left therapy and started to heal outside of the initial process of my trauma. I developed the most unwavering love for self care and started to learn about my spirituality and education in many aspects of my life. From working with crystals, to reading about how trauma manifests through the body. With that, became shifts of consciousness and awareness that I am so much more than my past, my body, my trauma and yup you guessed it - my career.
I had this really weird but wonderful realisation that I no longer had a hobby. Blogging and Youtube used to my hobby, but now they are both my job, so when I wasn't working I felt.... lost. I felt useless and restless and I would make even more work for myself, just to say I had something to do and YAY ME, I'm so productive. Obviously it wasn't like this always, but feeling this way even for a short while didn't feel right. It felt unkind and problematic and went against what I now believe.
The belief that self care, me time and rest is just as important as work and the fast paced world that we live in, is causing anxiety, dis-ease and a feeling of never having enough.
As well as never being good enough.
Fortunately, when trying to find I hobby, my hobby became me. It became learning and expanding and healing and understanding all of the different things that make me, me. All of me. Not just the woman who loves to work or the woman who's fat or the woman who spends too much money on ASOS. Its the woman who still needs to be looked after when she's ill, the woman who drinks so much Squash and is desperately after a brand deal with Robinson's lol. It's about the woman who said she didn't believe in God, but now she prayers. Its the woman who is unlearning all her social conditioning that manifested in self hate, whilst also learning how to unconditionally love. Its the woman who is up at 6am because YAY productivity, but also the woman who can sleep in past 9, eat McDonald's in bed and cry at the 8979th episode of Jane The Virgin.
It's taken a while but I have realised that humans are multi dimensional and so much more than just ONE. We are ALL. There are many things that make me just as happy as my career - if not more happy, I just hadn't discovered them yet. I didn't allow myself time to heal, to breathe, to explore, to just be for SO long, because I was too busy focusing on the 'end goal', the 'work success', the 'perfect body' and waiting for an 'exciting email' to land in my inbox. I nearly blinked and missed many more years of my life being a slave to society.
Although my career is something I am proud of and something I will always give attention and effort to, I also want to give that same energy to other areas of my life and I think this needs to be a thing for everyone else too! As a collective we must recognise what life actually means and whilst yes, we need money to sustain and live, we also need time and vigour to do all the other stuff (even the mundane).
When was the last time you walked bare foot on the grass? When was the last time you ate a Mr. Whippy without thinking about the calorie content? When was the last time you went on a road trip with your mates? When was the last time you called in sick because you were full of a cold but you didn't feel guilty? When was the last time you chose sleep over finishing your NEVER ending to do list?
I wrote a post last year called Reminder: Work Isn't The Most Important Thing and I mentioned that I was still working on prioritising health and happiness over work. It is SO amazing to look back now and see that I've done it. I've finally found a life that has balance and harmony and although sometimes routine goes out the window and I may still suffer with stress when my workload suddenly gets busy, I am there. My career alone doesn't make up the entirety of my happiness and if tomorrow it was gone - I know I'd be okay. I am living life with purpose and fulfilment and recognising that my self worth isn't about my successes or losses. It is about who I am at my core and the individual, silly, small things that make me me.
And that, is truly truly beautiful.