I look at him sometimes and it feels like everything I've ever dreamed about love is within him. In his smile, in his eyes, in his heart, in his voice. Most days I swear I could burst. Some days I swear I could cry. A lot of the time I do both.
Putting into words what love truly feels like seems sort of impossible. How can words do something so sacred and pure justice? I guess they can't, but I'll try.
It's been almost 365 days since I matched with Lee on Bumble, and the connection was instantaenous. I found myself wanting to speak to him everyday, and after we met, I wanted to see him everyday too (was I a keen-o? probs lol). It was intense, but equally gentle. Like fire it would ignite and crackle and being next to him made me feel vulnerable and explosive. There were moments within the first few months where I felt myself sink into him. Soul to soul, it was him. It's still him and I'm still sinking now. What we share together refreshes me. Like water, it soothes and calms me. It's like walking through the door after a 10hr day, taking off your shoes and removing your bra. No matter how many times you experience it, it's always utter bliss. That beautiful space between comfort and practice. Although sometimes mundane, it's never boring. The spark that happened 12 months ago is smouldering all the same.
I don't remember getting butterflies, but I remember feeling energised. As if my soul had waited a lifetime and forever to exist in this moment, with him.
Because he is my person and there is nobody else I could feel whatever this is, with. I wouldn't want this love to be with anyone but him. It is ours. We learned it together. A language we both struggled to grasp until it was us.
I used to believe love was about how your significant other made you feel. I used to always think about how someone else should love me, but I soon realised that unconditional love is not selfish. It is not demanding or ego-centered. Love is expanding, true and withstanding. It is patient and tender and it shows up in expected ways. Ways that make you believe in magic again.
There is space for individual growth and evolution, but we choose to do it together. There is brutal kindness, but brutal honesty - I sometimes struggle with both, but he gets it. To be with someone who understands your heart so that you don't need to explain your soul... is one of the greatest gifts I've ever known. It's radical. For me anyway.
To feel utter safety. I think at times, our love saved me.
He is my mirror. The capability I have to love him is a reflection of how grand I can love myself. Through the love we share I have been able to break myself down and hold myself high. I could do it alone, but it is my human power to choose this road instead. The lessons I am learning I could not learn with anyone else. This is intimacy.
And please don't confuse this love story with ease because trust me, there is nothing easy about this love. Although seamless and uncomplicated, some days are tough. But when he laughs at my stupidity, and I shake my head at his, we realise that who we are together, well, it's worth it.
He is the best man I have ever known and what we share has taught me the importance of hope. It just makes sense. WE make sense. This love, my love, his love, our love.. is healing. It heals every part of me. Sometimes painful, never cruel, always messy. But like he says "and what a beautiful mess you are'. It makes the shitty days better, and the good days amazing.
Our love helps me to breathe.