It’s 21:10 and I’m not sure where in the world I am exactly. I think we’ve just flown past New York and Bermuda - which has obviously made me shit my pants because I’ve watched one too many documentaries on the Bermuda Triangle.

I don’t really remember the last time I posted, but I know it was a post about love. For me, 2019 was filled with it unconditionally. There have been so many moments where I’ve looked at my boyfriend and just wanted to burst with joy and pride and every other lovely feeling that comes with love. The feelings that come with meeting the person. Your person. The soul you were separated from and have now found again. I could talk about our love until the cows come home, but that wouldn’t depict a true representation of 2019. And you know. #authenticity and all that. 

The first half of last year was okay (although I don’t seem to remember much of it lol). I travelled - Amsterdam, New York and Portugal and moved from South London to North West London. There were too many visits to Nandos & I definitely killed about 4 plants but all in all, things were settled. 

And then summer came.

And therapy got hard.

And everything seemed to go dark. 

The last few months of 2019 were to put it bluntly - abysmal. I guess I plunged into parts of me I had not visited before. I saw things I really did not like about myself & I had to confront so many demons. And I’m still confronting them now. I had to grow up. And not the kind of growing up a kid does because of trauma. This was true adulthood. I had to look at my life, my experiences and my reality head on. And I think the toughest part was holding myself accountable for the shit I had created, but at the same time recognising the shit I had not. 

It’s been rough. 

But I made it through.

And one day I’d like to talk about 2019 in a little more depth but I don’t think I’m ready just yet. I’m still healing from things nobody knows about and I’d like to keep it that way for just a bit longer. 

In this darkness though, I have been able to create space inside of me. There’s my higher self, my subconscious and then there’s a gap. A hole. But the hole doesn’t need filling. It’s just a space for me to breathe. A space to let go of the heaviness in order to soar and my fucking god do I wish to fly. This space I’ve found are steps to the next stage. Stones to the next part of my life. A small little mountain that needs to be climbed. In this space I have found strength and clarity. It’s as if I needed chaos to find the peace. As if without chaos peace wouldn’t exist in the first place. 

So yeah I’m on a TUI plane and I’m listening to heart chakra music and I’m thinking about how fucking awful 2019 was but also, how healing it was too. How profound some of my therapy sessions were. How much I’ve learnt about love & life. I feel.. anew.

And I can’t quite believe it. How can so much pain and darkness bring me towards so much light?

It’s back to work next week after a very long and needed Christmas break and I’m really fucking excited for 2020. There is a new energy growing within me that feels warm and soft and kind. 

I have so many hopes. 

So many goals.

So many things I’d like to do and achieve and experience but if I’m honest, I’m just happy to be here. To be writing. To be healing. To be able to experience myself in so many ways. And this feeling I have right now I’d like to remember always, especially when things aren’t as content as there are today. 

Maybe it’s because I’m turning 30 this year (WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IM TURNING 30 THIS YEAR) but I feel like I want to grab life by the hands. I want to submerge myself in it + believe in miracles. Believe that anything can happen and that I can create any life I want for myself. 

I’m glad to see the back of 2019 and I’m glad that I didn’t give up on myself when there were so many days I wanted to. 

So here’s to 2020 & the rise of all us.