2018 HAS BEEN A BIT SHIT

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Photography by
JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Clapham, London

Part of the reason I've been so MIA from the internet is because it feels like my entire world is crashing down around me and at any given moment I will combust into a million little pieces.

I know it sounds dramatic. And it is.

But its also the truth.

Every January for as long as I can remember I have made a choice to try and make the year ahead, the best one yet. What can I say? I'm always the optimistic I guess.

But at the start of the year, things just felt... different. They just felt off. Alien. Something I hadn't felt before.

Defeated comes to mind.

It was like I had suddenly woken up and everything had changed. One minute things were okay, the next minute they weren't and this has been the theme for the entire year.

Over the last 12 months I've had to make really big, really difficult decisions and life has felt like its been running at 100 mph. And everyday I've been playing catch up and failing miserably. (Picture me as a hamster, running on a hamster wheel).

It's been dark and heavy, and there have been days where I genuinely didn't think I could go on anymore. I have spent weeks and weeks of crying myself to sleep, days lying in bed with no energy to even brush my teeth and the most mundane, simplest of tasks have felt like moving mountains.

There has been a constant grey cloud attached to my heart and the pain of that attachment has trickled down into every area of my life - especially my work.

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I guess I realised over time that I wasn't happy with anything. My relationship, my work, myself. And maybe for most of my life I just ignored how I really felt because I was 1. conditioned to do so and 2. because I was scared to choose myself.

Scared of the unknown.

Scared of the calm because I was born into chaos.

You see, trauma really does shape a false sense of reality and over the last year its like I've snapped out of whatever slumber I've been in.

An incredibly powerful and profound awakening, but uncomfortable and difficult nonetheless.

I think I'm grieving too. Grieving for who I used to be and desperately clinging on to parts of myself, parts of my life and parts of people who no longer serve me.

Maybe learning to let go is what this year has been about. Even though its been shit, I hope to look back in years to come and realise that 2018 in fact, was the year that prepared me for life.

The growth has left me speechless, but the pain has left me speechless too. It's just remarkable that we as humans can break, and still breathe. Isn't it?

With everything that's been going on, my work has had to take a back seat. And rightly so because how can I know what I want to do, if I don't know who I am.

To sit in darkness and feel like a failure hasn't been easy, but I had no other option. It got to a point where everything had to come crashing down because I physically, mentally and spiritually could not continue living life the way I was.

So here we are..

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I'm broken. But not in a hopeless, please rescue me kind of way. But in a way that says "I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this, but I know with every inch of me that I will because I have gone through worse and still risen. Because I know that the plan God has for me is greater than any plan I will have for myself. Because cracks are where the light comes in and I just know, one day soon I will shine"

This is the first post I've put together in months. I'm currently eating flapjacks, drinking orange and pineapple squash and listening to music. I'm here. I'm still alive, I'm still standing - with weak legs maybe but I'm standing.

I can't say what the future has for me and my platforms. I can sense change coming, but in what capacity? I do not fucking know. I'm still a bit scared to let go, but everyday I edge closer and closer to jumping off the cliff and free falling into the unknown. To freedom. True, unfiltered freedom.

Maybe freedom scares all of us?

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Jumper* | RUE
Trousers* | ASOS
Trainers | Nike
Bag* | @shopiamzani
Glasses* | Rayban

8 Comments

  1. 18th November 2018 / 5:57 pm

    Powerful and raw; so true for many of us. 2018 has been an interesting year

  2. 18th November 2018 / 6:32 pm

    I feel like I’m on the same path! Letting go is hard. I am grateful that I’m mentally stronger to process it though 💗

  3. Penelope
    19th November 2018 / 12:12 am

    Bruised but not broken. Sending you nothing but love, light and positivity. You will find all your hearts desires and you’re journey will be a beautiful, fulfilling one. Thank you for being so open with us, you have no idea how good it is to know I’m not the only one going through shittttttt. Love you gorgeous ✨

  4. Sam
    20th November 2018 / 5:37 am

    Hey my darling- my name is Sam, I’m prob old enough to be your mum ( 44- but down with the kids man!) Grace I think you are brave, courageous and an inspiration to young women and old come to think!!!
    Grace my love keep doing your healing – it works trust me! I’m always working with my chakras! They don’t call me Chakra Khan for nothing!! – I work in domestic homicide- nice and cheery!!! and I was once a yoga teacher (although I resemble Buddha at the moment!) I’m not on social media but I do think I may have to stop being a dinosaur 🦖 and get on it- if you fancy doing some awareness raising on Domestic Homicide or healing or yoga do let me know – I’d love to work with you x 2019 rocks gal dem!!! Affirm it – visiualise it!! Xxx love love 💕

  5. M-L
    20th November 2018 / 8:53 pm

    Thank you for sharing your honesty and being vulnerable. I’ve been in a similar way for the past few months and I know that big shifts are coming my way too. We can’t move forward without feeling the stuff and being in that place of growth where we feel uncomfortable with everything in life. 💫💕

  6. Natasha
    20th November 2018 / 9:00 pm

    I had tears streaming down my eyes , as I read through this not because I feel sorry you No!!!!!because I know u will make it out and find the strength u need push through. It’s because you shared something I have been feeling for a while ( nearly 2 years) and it’s only until recently I was able to comprehend all of it and start working on myself. It’s not easy at all and I have had ro revaluate my life in every aspect. Just to ler you know ur kindness to share be this vulnerable is commendable.

  7. Erin
    21st November 2018 / 10:55 pm

    Just go with it. Honestly. I felt like this in 2016. I’ve since completely changed my life, quit my job – I finally realised that settling into accepting something I HATED doing was not for me. I learned to enjoy my own company, took a plunge. I’m now a student midwife. My job is now to empower, care for and stand up for women and their rights. Life is what you make of it. Take risks, they are worth it.

    Erin || MakeErinOver

  8. 26th November 2018 / 4:57 pm

    Sending you all the love in the world. Do what makes you happy and you have my full admiration for being strong and speaking out about it. Not enough people speak out xx

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