Back in 2013, I was the lightest I think I’ve ever been. On the outside I was happy & healthy but on the inside I was screaming and terribly miserable. To get down to the weight I was, I restricted most food groups, exercised 3/4x a week and chose to stay in instead of going out, because the fear of socialising with my friends and eating something I deemed ‘unsafe’ was just unbearable.

The pressure to conform inevitably resulted in me pinning my self worth and beauty on being thinner, and everyday up until last year, I was desperately trying to drop a few pounds. I thought losing weight and getting to my ‘goal weight’ would solve all of my problems and make me the happiest woman EVER, but upon reflection – how bloody naive was I?!

Its now 2016 and I have gained a lot of weight. Yes its down to PSTD and an eating disorder, but the reasoning behind weight gain doesn’t matter. When gaining weight, the world literally loses its shit. All of a sudden you become a total failure. ‘How dare you gain back the weight you lost’. ‘Do you realise you’ve put on weight’?. ‘You’ve gained weight, whats wrong?’. ‘You look absolutely disgusting’. ‘You should lose weight’. ‘You’ve ruined yourself’. (actual comments I’ve received). I was deemed lazy & vile and it amazed me (but did not surprise me) how many people I appeared to disappoint.

It has been a very long journey with learning to accept the weight I’ve gained. I’ve had to re-learn to love my body the way it is now and I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Thankfully I now have the language to execute a few important things that gaining weight has taught me.

It isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although the way society is setup you’d think gaining weight is the worst thing ever wouldn’t you? Although gaining weight for me was a sign of binge eating disorder, it was also a sign that I was ready to ditch diet culture and fad diets that were damaging my relationship with food. You can lose all the weight in the world, but if your mind is not healthy, it really isn’t worth it. Some people gain weight due to medication, recovery from exercise addiction and a bunch of other things too – it doesn’t automatically mean that gaining weight equals a lack of self care and self control. Bollocks to that!

It doesn’t always mean you’re unhealthy. There is a misconception that gaining weight or being overweight means you lack general good health, but that isn’t always the case. Mental health is just as important (if not more important) than physical health and sometimes people are naturally heavier than others. What’s so wrong with that? I don’t smoke and I rarely drink and some of my slim friends do, so why am I the unhealthy one because I have rolls?


You are more than what you look like. Until I lost weight and then gained it back, I didn’t realise just how much a women’s worth is based on her outer exterior. Joining the body positive community and going to therapy opened my eyes to how cruel and unfair society really is, especially when it comes to a women’s body. You can never please anyone and no matter what you look like or what you weigh, someone somewhere will deem it ‘unacceptable’. Fuck that and fuck them!

It’s empowering to eat intuitively. Which is something I am learning more and more each day. Before being admitted to The Recover Clinic, I didn’t even realise intuitive eating was a thing. I lived my life with thoughts like; ‘I should eat this so I lose a bit of weight’ orrrrrrr ‘I’m going to eat this because I don’t deserve what I really want’.  So uncovering a world where you eat what you fancy and what your body is telling you it needs literally blew my damn mind. With every meal, I try to simply eat what my body is craving and what will make me happy. Lately my favourite foods have been caesar salads, frosties & mini eggs!

It doesn’t change you as a person. That goes for losing weight too! Being thin doesn’t mean you are better than anyone and being big doesn’t mean you are any less of a person. What really matters is who you are as a person and your weight shouldn’t play a part in that. Be kind, loyal, honest, trust worthy, empowering, supportive, patient & compassionate. Ain’t nothing more beautiful than a pure heart.

Dieting is FUCKING boring. So fucking boring it makes me question my entire life lol. Calorie counting, syn’ing, calculating points, planning every single meal, restricting what you really want to eat in favour over what you think you should eat. Its mundane and slightly soul destroying and life is far too short to constantly worry about everything that passes your lips. Our bodies (no matter what size) are incredible things. Trust them to tell you what you need to eat.

I know my body will change when I am in full recovery from my trauma and eating disorder. I am already mentally preparing for that and looking forward to my body finding its natural weight but for now, this is the weight I am and that’s ok. (more than ok actually because I’m fucking buff lol)


  1. 11th April 2017 / 7:53 am

    Mental state is very important and society lacks to understand..so thank you for letting the rest of us know it's okay if we've gained way and knowing we're not alone just makes me so happy..and your bloody right dieting is just so soul draining so fix your mental health and your body will adjust to its natural weight without realising :p xx

    A Girls Journal

  2. 11th April 2017 / 9:35 am

    I love this. Thank you for your honesty , I felt the same. lost with who I was as a person because of the size I was or am and gaining weight back that I had lost. You are a big reason why I can say fuck the rest and focus on how my body will shape itself out.

  3. 11th April 2017 / 6:07 pm

    I love this, I think too often people assume that being 'skinny' is linked to being happy when really there is more to your health then fitting into a certain size. I've felt so much of this before that it's so nice to hear it out in the open on your platform !! xxoxox


  4. 12th April 2017 / 8:43 am

    girl, gaining weight at ur size IS necessarily a bad thing, u r miserable because of it so why u dont just lose weight and stop fooling urself thats its ok to be obese. also, if its empowering to eat intuitevely how empowering it is after to cry urself to sleep because u r ashamed of urself … this is not how the things work

  5. 12th April 2017 / 2:01 pm

    thank you

  6. 12th April 2017 / 3:41 pm

    I lost seven stone and it did make me feel so much better and I am happier for it (and healthier but that is me) I think it varies from person to person, gotta do you!

  7. 14th April 2017 / 3:06 pm

    Ahhh I relate to this so much!!! I really struggle to post pictures online because I do feel ashamed that I lost loads of weight and then gained it back but your right dieting is SO boring. I have so many things I need to sort with my mental health, but society doesn't care for that, because being over weight is such a negative. Its exhausting to be who everyone else wants you to be! Absolutely love this post!! xx

  8. 14th April 2017 / 8:01 pm

    Thank you for writing this post. It's so inspirational to hear your thoughts on this. So many people go through similar issues and feel like they are a failure because of their weight gain and those that pass negative judgment don't realise there is so much more involved behind the cause for why someone may have gained weight. It's so easy to judge and think it's down to laziness or just not caring. But the negativity often leads to worse effects. So it's good to hear how others have gone through this in a similar journey.

    So thank you again for this post!

    Amanda | http://ldnrose.com

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