WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

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Photography by
JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Battersea, London

Fucking hell, this feels weird.

Good. And right. But weird.

So hello, hi, longtime no see/read. How have you been? Are you 100% done with the Brexit chat (how is it still a thing lol)? Did you pay your tax bill and are now eating beans on toast for the rest of your life because same girl. We have so much catching up to do.

So from the outside I guess you could say the last year or so has looked like inconsistency, but on the inside I honestly just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life anymore.

The love for many parts of my career had well and truly died, my head had no space for anything else except therapy and my spirit was just exhausted.

I tried for many months to fight it. To push against this feeling that I needed to just stop, slow down and not force it. And you know what? Resisting made me feel 10x worse.

I wanted to be creative, I wanted to post outfits every single day, I wanted to write but all of that kind of becomes impossible when you're spending 75% of your time in pjs and creating stuff for brands so you can at least pay your bills.

My brain felt stuffy and tight and like the walls were closing in and then to top it all off, I fell in love lol.

I met a man & for the very first time I wanted to spend more time living and less time working.

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I'm definitely over the capitalist and patriarchal way of living. You know that belief system that is drummed into us that in order to be successful, you need to be working 24/7? Yeah, that's bollocks and it took me falling in love to realise.

I've also been battling with a few physical issues too, which thankfully are all pretty much healed now, but for a good 4 months I had illness after illness after illness, including the flu which honestly felt like death lol. I took my sickness as a sign that I needed to surrender and sit in the darkness of 'I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life'. So that's exactly what I did.

I sat in the darkness and binge watched ALOOOOOOOT of shows. Most recently You and Instant Hotel. I recommend them both.

I also find it interesting that the year I worked less, I actually grew more. Choosing myself meant spending more time, money and effort on me and although scary at first, it has definitely paid off. I think I'll talk more about this in a separate post.

So yeah, here we are. Feb 2019 and I am only now finding my feet again. I went to Mexico with my man which was just, ughhh, fucking lovely. And this week I got back from a flying visit to NYC which consisted of a very heavy period and lots of French toast covered in Nutella.

I feel better, much much better. I'm managing life again and have some sort of idea about what I'd like to do next. I'm still transitioning my work and the content I make and if I'm 100% honest, I still feel a little lost. However, I'm going with it. I'm free fallin' and enjoying whatever life has to throw at me. Maybe this is just part of the plan.

So my advice if you, like me, don't know what you want anymore? Embrace it. Do the best that you can and remember that, this too shall pass.

And if that doesn't work, cry lol.

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All items are old and out of stock. Jacket - MONKI, Dress & Boots - ASOS.
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Comments

  1. 13th February 2019 / 1:36 am

    This post just came to me at the perfect time. This exact feeling of a stuffy head, end of creativity and drive for things you have always enjoyed. The feeling of knowing something is off but what is off? I have struggled with not knowing who i am anymore because I have lost passion for things my whole life I have loved. I find myself bored with my old daily routine. My style is changing, my attitude, and the people around me. I thought maybe I am meant to feel this way with adulthood and leaving behind uni and old behaviors. But, your post describes it all and makes me feel liberated. It is okay to feel like something is wrong because your soul needs a break from the walls we put up around it for years. It is okay to show my belly in clothes because I gained weight. You know why, because I am beautiful and my rolls are too. I was born in October 1994, But i have been reborn in February 2019. Thank you for being open about these topics, it is so refreshing in an era where mental health is suffocated by perfectionism.
    P.S.
    sorry my grammar is horrible you are probably cringing reading this whole thing.

    P.S.
    I love you girl!! Keep doing what you”r doing!

  2. Jacki Roswell
    13th February 2019 / 9:03 am

    Awwwww loved this xxx The one thing I love about you and can relate to is your honesty.
    Seems to me that 2018 completely wrecked a lot of people and although 2019 just appeared from nowhere it just feels like this year is going to fell “alright”.
    Breathe, relax and enjoy yourself Grace (like I need to tell you that)

    You got this!!!

    Thank you as ever for being our gurl!!! 🙂 x

    Peace and love

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