ON DEVELOPING A HEALTHY, HAPPY SEX LIFE

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TW: I talk about sex and sexual trauma openly and quite complicity.
If you feel that this may trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable then please do not read.

If you're just here for the outfit then scroll to the bottom.

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Let's talk about sex baby. Let's talk about sex.

Sex is one of my favourite topics. Mainly because for me its not just about divulging a 'taboo' subject, but more about understanding the intricate complexities of my sexuality, and the impact my experiences have had on me.

I've unfortunately been through sexual violence and sexual trauma, and now that I've spoken about it a lot in therapy, I've come to the understanding that most of my sexual experiences have been emotionally unsafe.

It wasn't until I met my boyfriend aka the love of my life (I know I know, I'm gross and everyone's sick of me talking about him but he's honestly amazing lol), that I realised how performative and conditioned my previous sex life had been. I'm not saying every single experience was bad, but what I am saying is that underneath feeling horny and wanting to touch and be touched, I was full of shame, feeling disempowered and needing to control.

It's complex.

And it's something that I barely see spoken about.

At the start of 2018 I noticed a niggle in my soul that something wasn't quite right. I had noticed a pattern with previous relationships where I just didn't want to have sex - although I very much wanted to orgasm, I just didn't like the intimacy. I hated the eye contact. I hated pleasing a man. I hated the idea of being 'seen' - so in turn sex for me was a performance. It was Grace playing a role and fulfilling a need. I was disconnected, out of touch and more often than not completely distracted. SCENE: A man licking my clit and I'm thinking about the email I need to send and what I'm making for dinner.

LOL!

You get the picture right? And you might even relate.

So mid last year I started researching self awareness and sex. I felt that sex was way deeper spirituality than what we are taught - my findings were interesting and my intuition did not lie.

 

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And then I actually had sex and of course, I lost my fucking shit.

I disconnected but at the same time I felt so aware of my body which brought up past insecurities from my teenage years. I cried. I wanted to reject. I nearly self sabotaged.

And if it wasn't for an understanding, loving, intelligent and emotionally available boyfriend, as well as weekly therapy sessions, I think I would have ran (I nearly did a few times lol).

I felt sexually inadequate and somewhat afraid. I couldn't perform with Lee because he saw me for who I was. He saw past the trauma and the shame and everything I had been through and he still wanted me. I couldn't hide.

I had been seen. And maybe deep down that's all I wanted. To be seen as the person I was/am, not the person who has overcame.

So we worked at it. We engaged in honest and open conversations. We took our time. HE took his time with me, and after a while fear dissolved to excitement and my walls came down. Although I know healing my sexual trauma isn't liner, I know now that I am capable and that's really empowered me.

For me personally, I definitely needed to have sex in order to heal my issues with sex. Does that make sense? The same way I decided I needed to have a male therapist, in order to heal my issues with men.

What I've learnt over the last 9 months is that a healthy sex life looks different for everyone and I think that's important to note. For me its intimacy, fun and respect. It looks like a lot of foreplay and oral because that's my favourite. It looks like some days being too tired to engage, but some days waking up and getting it on and then getting it on a few times more. It looks like experimenting. It looks like honesty. It looks like letting go and sinking into every moment. It looks like romance. It's hot and sometimes sweaty, sometimes planned, but more often than not it's spontaneous. But the foundation of a healthy and happy sex life is emotional safety.

We as women are often told how to be, what to look like and a lot of the time our sexual pleasure is rarely spoken about or taken into consideration. My sexual trauma took away so many parts of me, including my sex life which I am only now reclaiming.

What's your relationship with sex? Have you stepped into your power and reclaimed?

 

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Comments

  1. Joyah
    18th February 2019 / 4:42 pm

    I do not have a sex life. In fact I don’t like having sex. I don’t like to be entered. I only ever had intercourse was for the other person to be liked or was forced to. I experimented 2 times in my teen years after watching porno because they looked like they was having fun. I wanted that fun. It was fun cause I felt naughty. Something I want was always taught to me as wrong and I realize as I think that I been wanting this since 7th grade. Since “Laura’s Toy”. I am trying to find me and be open that way. How?

  2. Miki
    18th February 2019 / 5:17 pm

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. I relate to so much of your experiences. I assumed everyone dissociated during sex because I do…Now I know that thats when its performative and emotionally painful. Interestingly, to heal my relationship with men and sex I’ve become celibate! Lets see how that works. But I FIRMLY Believe the key for me – and the key for you – was to be in love with someone who *actually sees you*, the real you under your skinsuit

  3. Erin
    20th February 2019 / 4:13 pm

    I found having sex with a girl was the game changer for me. I realised how much of the time I was doing things during sex that I didn’t enjoy, but because I thought it was appropriate and to please a man. (The feminist in me now wants to cry over that bit). I actually realised what I do and don’t like, I’ve never felt in tune more with my body by removing “pleasing men” from the situation. Now my expectations are super high, I know what I like, and I won’t compromise on things. To the point I will now say “don’t do that” during sex if I don’t like it – which I never would have done before. I think porn has a lot to do with it. Men think women like what they see on porn, I’m now quick to say “well actually, no, this is reality and not a production” I’m so demanding now, but it works..

    Erin || MakeErinOver

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