Photography by
JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Streatham, London
-So this post is a long time coming. Please bare with me as I try to articulate everything that I need to say about blogging, about my life, about me.
I feel like I just need to get this all off my chest as its been there for a while, and its weighing pretty heavy.
Firstly, I apologise for the severe lack of content across all my platforms, but especially my blog.
This little corner of the internet, was and still is my favourite. Its the only place that rarely has sponsored content, rarely has any input from my management and is just a safe place for me to talk about whatever I want.
It is mine & I cherish it dearly.
However, a few months back I just lost a whole heap of love for sharing. As I sat down to write, I couldn't even muster up a sentence. I had nothing to bring to my Youtube channel and I felt so detached from my 'online presence' that posting a photo on Instagram felt alien. I had nothing to say but so much to say all at the same time. Silence is powerful isn't it?
In June I decided to end my relationship with my now ex. There were many reasons for doing this, but the main one being that I felt I couldn't continue healing without being alone. For some reason, people just don't tend to talk about how much work relationships need, in order to maintain them and stay afloat as a couple. I wasn't actually that unhappy, but I wasn't happy either - a space that I think ALOT of people find themselves in, but the reason why people don't decide to leave. "Is it really that bad?"
We were swimming in different styles, in different paces, in different directions - that's the best way to put it.
In the lead up to my break up there had been something bubbling under the surface. It wasn't a snap decision, but more like a voice in the back of mind that I had been trying to ignore for a year that had just decided to scream at me 'YOU NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP'. So I did.
And it was surprisingly easy. Initially anyway.
For a while now, I knew there was still so much trauma that I needed to work through. My eating disorder was just the surface layer and if I wanted to rise up like the strong and courageous woman I know I am, I needed to visit the core of my pain.
I knew I needed to go back to therapy, I knew I needed to talk more about my sexual trauma, I knew I needed to delve into my Daddy issues and really understand why I repeat patterns with men, why I end up being co-dependant in romantic relationships and why in the past I have struggled to remain single.
As you can imagine, these realisations all coming to the surface at once was pretty overwhelming. But I thank my lucky stars it happened this way, because I had no other choice but to address my needs. Take that for some serious self care lol.
I believe getting to know myself on a profoundly deep level spiritually, is part of the reason I suddenly woke up to my own toxic behaviours, inner child issues and the ego centred mindset that I often found myself in.
Recognising this pain was enlightening. To say the least.
I have a lot of stuff to touch upon, some of which I am going to save for future posts because honestly, we'd just be here all day and if I save those ideas maybe I won't go awol for months haha. But for now, i'll keep going for as long as my fingers and brain space allow.
(Pat yourself on the back if you've made it this far. I hope I haven't bored you to death)
So yeah. I broke up with my boyfriend, I found a new therapist and I've hit a brick wall when it comes to my identity.
Are you even surprised lol?
I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, who I am, where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. Spiritually, I believe feeling like this is just a manifestation of an awakening, but Dear God, I was not prepared for this sense of 'lost'. I have been in this place before in my first stint of therapy back in 2016. However, this time around is 1000x worse.
I've cried numerous times over the fact that I feel like I'm in limbo. When I close my eyes and really feel what I feel, its just dust. Its an overwhelming sense of emptiness, of confusion, but also feeling so many different things all at the same time.
It doesn't help that I look around me and everyone else seems to be fine? As if they know exactly what they're doing and they have their entire lives figured out.
I just can't create.
I can't create from this place of utter desperation and uncertainty.
It's also even more worrying because I have work coming in, I have things coming up like trips to America and campaigns old me would only dream of. Yet here we are, and none of it excites me. None of it makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. It all just feels mediocre and surface level.
I guess I just need my soul to be fed and maybe this industry just doesn't do that for me anymore?
Aside from being in a complete and utter hole work wise, my health has also been all over the fucking place.
Some physical illness' I believe, are just symptoms of trauma. There is no reason for me to be unwell, yet as soon as I feel something big emotionally or energetically - my body goes into meltdown.
So as you can imagine with everything that's been going on, my body (and mind) have not been in the best shape.
As someone who never used to get ill until she started working on her trauma, its been pretty rough. I haven't been able to work at my usual pace (not that I could create anyway), I've been extremely tired and moody and just wanting to retreat and rest - so that's what I've been doing.
I've been trying hard to just let go, flow with the universe and honour what my physical self needs, but operating from a place of soul and spirit, in a world that does the opposite is again, pretty rough.
I'm recovering from Strep B as we speak (I hadn't heard of it before and when my doctor told me I had it, I literally freaked out and assumed I was dying so please do laugh at my expense lol)
Andddd breathe.
If you have watched one of my recent videos, then you would know, I've been in a place of darkness and gloom. Although I never ever lose hope, this place I'm in isn't easy. Its improved recently, but I still don't feel like myself and maybe thats the point? Maybe I'm doing so much work on myself so that I can be the best version of me, that I won't feel like the old me ever again.
I'll feel like a new me.. and I'll love her even more than I do now.
As you can see, ALOTS been going on, so much so that whilst writing this post, I've made a long ass list of other post ideas that I just need to get out of my brain and onto paper.. or computer for that matter. So watch this space.
I guess I should try and bring this post to an end, so there we have it. That's where I'm at right now.
I am unsure of what to do next so I'm just waiting. Waiting for an idea, a sign, a random thought that may give me a clue on how to move forward with my life.
I feel like I am being broken in order to be made whole. I am grieving for the girl I used to be, whilst waiting to welcome in, the girl I am going to become.
It's odd. It's uncomfortable. It's weird.
But I'm here and I cannot run. This phase of my life, I just know, is one of the most important phases I will ever grow through.
I'm sad for so much, but happy for so much too.
I know things will figure themselves out and I can no longer try and be the person I was, because thats what the internet knows, or thats what brands like. I can't fight it anymore. I can't just pretend that everything is okay as they are, because they're not, but at the same time the process cannot be rushed. All I know is that I have to believe I am right where I am supposed to be.
I have to trust the timing of my life and that the universe will catch me when I fall. Like it has every single other time I have fallen.
I want to talk about the moon, how important our inner children are, how much I love love, how heartbroken I am over past lovers, and the fact I'm an empath. I want to share my love for ASOS because that love affair will never end. I want to lead by my own light and set an example of how fulfilled life can be when you simply follow your heart. I just don't know how I am going to do this yet.
I'm over my worth being counted in numbers and my excitement based on what emails I have received today. I'm over performative activism, tokenism, white feminism and debates over bodies like mine.
Give me something raw. Give me authenticity. Give me passion. Give me something fucking real. Give me vulnerabilities. Give me something undone.
Give.
Me.
Nakedness.
The world needs more love, more compassion, more consciousness. So moving forward, that's what I will give the world. And that is because that's exactly what I feel.
I want to welcome in this sudden courage to speak my truth - no matter how it shapes or changes peoples opinions of me. I want to be the person my future daughter will need, and I cannot do that if I remain in this box that I, and everyone else has created for me.
I'm heading towards freedom. Freedom most probably, that none of us will recognise, but freedom all the same.
So for now, lets say goodbye to my past self - the girl so many of you got to know. A new me has arrived, and I think you'll like her.
I do.
All clothes are last season ASOS (soz)