JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Wandsworth, London
I guess you could say that I'm on 'the pursuit of happiness'. I'm discovering who I am and also deciding who I'd like to be. I'm learning what makes me tick, what's good for my mental health, and how I can move forward into this new well and woke chapter of my life.
I can't quite articulate where I'm at the moment. I've left therapy and I'm suddenly navigating the world with more knowledge and understanding than I ever anticipated. It's exciting but also scary!
All my life I suppressed how I felt because I didn't believe I was worthy enough to have valid feelings - but oh how things have changed lol. I used to put up with toxic friendships, belittling comments from my wider family, as well as punishing myself with food because society taught me it was better to be hungry than it was to be full.
But over the past year I have learnt a lot about intuition and how important it is to listen to it. Whenever you get pangs of 'I don't think this person is good for me' or 'I'm hungry, I need to eat' and you ignore them, you are basically saying to yourself 'I don't value your opinion'. And how self deprecating is that?
So with all the numerous da darrrrr moments I've been having as of late and a drive to really really get to know me and love her, I have suddenly been catapulted into a stage of change that I desperately think I am ready for....
To Stop Working So Hard
Which I know is maybe a weird thing to say but hear me out. I'm a workaholic - I have pushed myself so hard in the last 6/7 years to be successful. To girl boss it, to handle my shit, to be productive and motivated and to make a good life for myself. But I am now at a point where I still absolutely love working, but I love myself more. This doesn't mean I won't be on my grind - I will be, but I am also prioritising things outside of work that bring me joy. I'm a little embarrassed to say that currently, if my career were to end or hit a rocky patch, I would have nothing to fulfil my life with. I don't have a hobby, or a side project that I make time for. I don't know myself without my career and that worries me. For far too long I have thrown myself into work because it is easier than dealing with my thoughts but that must now come to an end. My work/life balance has always been more work favourable and maybe that is the reason why I have experienced some amazing opportunities, but now its time to experience those same opportunities within my personal life.
I want to start working out and feel stronger and physically powerful because that is where my mental state is now at. I want to laze around on the weekends drinking coffee, listening to Spotify and reading all the books I haven't had time to read. I want to have brunch with my friends and take my little sister to get her nails done in the name of self care lol. I want to lie in when I'm exhausted and not panic that I have to edit, or write, or reply to a tweet. I want to switch off in the evenings and make myself dinner instead of placing a Deliveroo order or driving to the McDonald's drive thru. I want some time to tidy and clean and water my plants instead of forgetting because I'm overworked and too busy. I want to enjoy what life has to offer outside of blog posts, a curated Instagram feed and whether or not I've replied to the 30th email asking me if I want to feature a detox tea.
I am so grateful to be where I am because if you told me just 2 years ago I'd be doing all the stuff I'm doing, I would've laughed in your face haha. However, I feel like I am compelled to listen to my heart and start doing more things for Grace, and not Gracie Francesca.
To Change The Direction Of My Career
I'm nervous to talk about this because I still don't entirely know what the future of online Grace is, but all I know is that a change has to come. I've been making Youtube videos since 2011, but in the last 2/3 years I have struggled with consistency and a passion for it. Although the shitty algorithms and over saturation has played a part in my slow decline, anxiety has been the main culprit. I dread checking the comments and seeing 'thumbs down' within 3 seconds of uploading lol and I am always in a fight or flight mode which is linked to my trauma. That alone is enough to confirm that I don't think Youtube is in my future. Now, that doesn't mean I'll never upload a single video again, but it does mean it will not be a real focus of mine and there will be no set schedule or routine with uploading (a bit like it is now tbh lol). I have tried for so long to make everyone happy but I have to accept that its just not for me anymore. I still want to blog and carry on with my other platforms though - so they will have my attention. I want to change my blog layout again and slightly shift this space with condensed content. I want to solely produce style and substance content, as well as empower women through spirituality and body positivity.
My career and profile has taken a natural direction towards jobs and opportunities outside of the internet anyway and its time I really worked on that. I know I have it in me to succeed away from how many followers I have - I just have to close my eyes and jump.
To Make New Friends
Do you ever feel like as you grow and change, your circle does too because same?! I've never had a huge friendship group and as I've got older and less tolerant of other peoples bullshit, as well as working on my own bullshit, I have really struggled to make and/or maintain friends. I trust too easily and I let people get close without really knowing them which often leads to a natural ending or a dramatic one. For the past year I haven't actively seek'ed friendships due to a lack of time and ability to put in effort on my part, but as this year ends I can't help but feel like I need a few more spiritual connections and solid friendships. Don't get me wrong - I have some amazing people in my life but due to circumstance and distance, I rarely get to see them. I'm still learning how to be a good friend and I hope with my own personal growth that I am able to be the friend to someone else that I would also like. Navigating friendships is one of the hardest things I've come across as an adult so I will definitely do some posts on this in the future.
I guess I'd like a few girlfriends that have the same morals and beliefs as me. To drink wine at my flat, order in and watch Bridget Jones with. If thats you - holla lol.