I’ve been putting off writing this for the past few months, but tonight I decided it was time to finally put pen to paper.. or should I say thoughts to blog.
So where have I been you ask? Well, where do I bloody begin.
Back in March I started filming my documentary for BBC3, and I didn’t quite anticipate how full on it would be. Although I’m not filming long hours everyday, having to be here, there and everywhere without having my usual routine, has caused me to be in a state of organised(ish) chaos. On top of that, brand work and sponsored content has exploded and although I’m extremely grateful, its sods law that the influx has come all at once. I’m self employed so I need all the dollar dollar I can get, but I do have a habit of saying YES to everything when I’m actually now in a position to pick and choose what work I want to do. When you’ve been grinding all your life and have come from pretty much nothing it doesn’t feel right turning opportunities and money down but hey ho – I guess I need to just run with it. In a nutshell my career is going the way I want it to and I can’t complain with how busy I am, but it sucks that I’ve taken such a long, unplanned break from making content on both here and my Youtube channel..
Although I say my break was unplanned, I’m starting to think it was a blessing in disguise. You’re all probably tired of hearing it but I’m gonna say it anyway.. The blogging/vlogging world has become something I don’t particularly like. This isn’t shade (maybe a little) but I feel like materialism and narcissism has completely taken over the raw, honest and down to earth tone that was once the reason so many of us started writing blogs, and started reading them too. I understand blogging is a fast growing industry that has a ridiculous amount of money being pumped into it BUT, I’m honestly so over it. There is only so many designer handbag collections I can watch. I don’t really care about how much stuff someone has. Teach me something. Uplift me. Make me laugh. Make me feel something. You know what I mean? Maybe its just me, and maybe I need to let it go and get over it, but I just feel like there is so much going on in the world and so many of us aren’t using our voices for the greater good. I understand people tend to only talk about whats relative to them, but I just think its important to have a little perspective. I guess I’ve felt completely uninspired to share things with the world wide web and I’ve lost my way, with who I am and what I want to talk about..
One of the other reasons I’ve felt lost is because a few months ago I went through a difficult break up. Most of you will already know, however I haven’t gone into that much detail about it, partly because its nobody’s business and partly because it broke me.. for a while anyway. Although it eventually became mutual, it was just really shit to let go of someone who became my best friend. I know now that maybe we weren’t right for each other, but it doesn’t make it less painful, it probably makes it worse. I felt like I wasted my time & that I didn’t really know him that well after all. It was just really hard to get out of bed in the morning, to focus on my work, to smile.. I didn’t think I’d feel happiness again.
I looked back in my diary yesterday to see when I was last in a consistent routine with my life, and it was October 2015 – so no wonder I’m all over the place. So much has happened in the last 6 months, I’m exhausted and drained but I’m also not giving up. Ive come this far, it would be stupid to fall now. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve struggled with every aspect of my life since the beginning of the year, but I finally feel ready to figure it all out and get myself back, back to being Grace.
For me, travelling is a way I escape everything. Although I know home, I often don’t stay in the same place for too long. I’ve been feeling like there isn’t much for me here, so visiting other countries sort of gives me a purpose again. I’ve been away a lot and although it hasn’t helped my routine issues and I’ve had to work whilst lounging by the pool, I’ve felt like I really needed it. I don’t completely switch off unless I’m in a different time zone and with all the positives and negatives that life has lead me too, I haven’t really stopped..
I haven’t had the chance to celebrate or catch myself. I didn’t have time to process a lot of whats happened & I didn’t give myself time to heal.
I’ve been in a whirlwind for such a longtime that I needed time for me. I needed and still need time to do what I want to do, other than work, scroll through my feeds or shop. I’ve sort of forgotten what makes me happy, which actually makes me really really sad. I don’t get to see my friends from home, I miss out on seeing my baby cousins grow up and I wish I could be there for my sister more. My career is so important to me, but I matter too and the past few months has really changed my outlook on how I want to move forward.
Last week I returned from the holiday of a lifetime (sorry for the spam in holiday shots you’re going to see over the next few weeks) and it gave me some clarity, some closure. I have never been happier than I was out there. I laughed, I cried, I danced, I got ridiculously drunk and I finally missed creating content and being home. My mojo returned and the storms that had taken over my mind began to disappear. It was such a great feeling and I can’t even tell you how good it feels to be back.
I wish I could carry on writing and tell you everything else I’ve been up to, everything else I’ve felt, everything else I’ve thought but I’ll save that for future posts.
I’ve missed you all and I want to just say a massive thank you for the support and love you all show me.