Learning how to love myself is something I’ve been working on since 2012 and I cannot begin to describe how hard its been. Some days I’m positive, I’m ready to take on the world and nothing can bring me down. Other days I hate every inch of body and self doubt is at the fore front of my mind. I feel like I’ve made progress with a lot of things in my life, my career, moving out, the amazing opportunities I get to experience, but loving myself has been at a standstill for a while. I haven’t gone backwards, but I don’t think I’ve gone forwards either..

The pressure I put on myself is overwhelming and at the moment, every morning I wake up and I cannot stop thinking about what to eat and how I look. I obsess over my weight & I am as anxious as ever. I pick at every little detail and scrutinise myself. I guess I’m just tired. So tired.

Trying to get your head in the right place for making changes and living a better lifestyle is the hardest part. Its not even about being lazy because I am one of the hardest working people I know, its about listening to the good thoughts and not the bad. I can only describe how I feel as having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is saying ‘you can do this Grace, its not as hard as it seems, you’re beautiful no matter what’. And then the devil is saying ‘you deserve to be sad, you deserve to be fat and unhealthy, you will never be good enough, no matter how hard you try’. The devil seems to scream and the angel seems to whisper. Can you guess which one I hear?

I wish it was other people making me feel this way but its not, its me, my mind.. And thats why its so hard. Nobody makes me feel like shit but me. Someone could call me a fat pig and I would laugh it off, because I genuinely don’t believe them. But if I call myself a fat pig, I am in absolute despair. Does that make sense?

A friend on Twitter messaged me saying ‘You have inspired me to get my shit together like you have’, and I thought ‘you have absolutely no idea’. YES, some days I do, I eat right, I exercise, I do my work etc but other days I am literally so overwhelmed with it all I just can’t focus. Today, I looked at my arms in the mirror and actually started crying. Crying because they look like the size of a house and crying because I hate my mind and I wish so bad for it to shut up. My mind is so toxic and I hate having to live with it sometimes. Trying to change my way of thinking can be impossible some days and I think today is one of them.

I’ve been in Cosmo, I’ve done a front cover of a magazine, I’ve done this and I’ve done that and yet, none of that is enough. I guess I’m trying to say that journey’s of self love can be and are very difficult, especially for someone like me who was so self destructive for so long. Some people think ‘well you’re beautiful’ or ‘don’t listen to your thoughts’ helps, but if I’m honest, it doesn’t. I dream for a spotless mind. A mind that didn’t confuse or worry me. A mind that doesn’t make me want to hide away from the world. I obsess over the scales, how much I weigh, how much I’ve lost or gained. Will I be able to fit in that top or those jeans? Its literally a daily battle and I cannot escape.

Making an effort and conscious choice to love yourself is hard work. Maybe not for everyone, but it is for me. It takes every inch of my being to say ‘Grace, you’re beautiful’. You know… its really hard to lead a healthy lifestyle when your mind isn’t healthy. Im not depressed, I don’t actually know what I am. The only two words I can use are overwhelmed and tired. I feel like I’ve hit some sort of wall and its completely stopped me in my tracks.  

I don’t want to pretend and I don’t want people to think that I’m happy and content all the time because I’m not. I am my own worst enemy and when life gets a little rocky, I get rocky too. Im not sure where this post is supposed to be going, I guess I just wanted to write about how I feel because maybe it can help someone, and maybe even help myself?

I have no doubt that sooner or later everything will click and fall into place but at the moment I’m really struggling and I’m not sure what to do. Im happier than I was a few years ago, but I’m not as happy as I could be. Im trying, I am trying so fucking hard but sometimes it all gets a little too much.

I want you all to know that if you are on your own little journey and its not that great at the moment, its okay. We’ll be okay <3

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this a few weeks ago.


  1. 23rd April 2015 / 8:44 am

    Gracie, thank you so much for writing this. I feel like it could have been me that wrote this only because I can relate to so much of it. If love and admiration from other people was enough you'd be on top of the world because so many of us think you're amazing. I know you said you wrote this a few weeks ago but next time you feel like this, keep going babes. You're not alone. xxx

  2. 23rd April 2015 / 12:02 pm

    I have the same struggle. One minute I am fine, the next I am not. It is a constant battle everyday. I have been so depressed that all I want to do is be by myself. I am honestly trying to work on it. I hope to start gym soon so I can take some of the stress away and lose a few pounds as well.

  3. 23rd April 2015 / 1:53 pm

    Thank you Gracie, for being so honest and real, you've no idea how much you help other people just by being yourself. Please know that not only are you beautiful but if there was anything we could do to help we would; because you deserve to be so happy. Sending so much love and support and as Rachel said you're never alone. xxxx

  4. 23rd April 2015 / 2:06 pm

    Wow. Loved this post. I know how you feel and i'm sure alot of women do to. The more negative thoughts that pop up in your head, the stronger they become. Yeah there will be days you don't think you're beautiful but look how far you have come. Look at your first you tube video and see the difference. Everyone's got something they have to work on. It is what it is but contiune to love yourself. Continue to smile. Stay positive x

  5. 23rd April 2015 / 2:50 pm

    I admire your strength, Gracie. I've watched you on YouTube for years and have seen you grow and develop into the beautiful woman you are today. As someone who has also struggled with an eating disorder, I, too, know how hard it can be. Everyday you just feel like you're not good enough. But we both are and, like you said, we'll be okay. Much love xx

  6. 23rd April 2015 / 6:04 pm

    Gracie well done for writing this post, I know it's not an easy to thing to say out loud! You'll get there in the end, just keep pushing forward and doing you! And thank you for writing this post, I know how it feels to feel like your worst critic and your worst enemy, I hate myself so much sometimes! But it gives me comfort to know that it's not only me that feels thiS way! Keep strong I know I now have new found strength after reading this post!

    Heather Xx

  7. 23rd April 2015 / 6:05 pm

    I love you! I'll sort you out in Portugal my beauty ❤️

  8. 26th April 2015 / 10:38 pm

    Grace, you're totally not alone. It's so great that you can write this and share your story with others. I have such a hard time accepting myself for how I am. I'm always obsessing over food, working out and trying to lose weight that it becomes so overwhelming and have the complete opposite effect – I burn out and think "f**k this, I've had enough". It definitely is a process to accept ourselves as we are! I hope we all get there someday!

    Chrissy x

  9. 1st May 2015 / 4:02 pm

    I have been my own worst enemy for the longest time. And it does take time to be happy with yourself once again. My problem was that I had to find myself, I was always trying to be something I wasn't meant to be. I was trying to fit into this mold of what it is to be "black" and it took me a year abroad, which opened my eyes. I know now who I am,what I like and don't like. And anyone who criticizes me or thinks it's weird can pretty much suck it. I hope you get past this milestone that happens in life (your not alone) and be happy Grace again!!!!!!

  10. 10th May 2015 / 5:42 pm

    This is a struggle that i have all the time! one minute I'm happy and next minute i want to lock myself away.
    i wish you all the best you have accomplished so much , and I definitely wish i could see something in front of me that makes me feel like i have accomplished something. xxx

  11. 24th November 2015 / 1:51 am

    Such a fantastic post, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this at times.
    Reading through your blogposts, I wouldn't say this to many other bloggers but your honesty and realness is just enlightening, you're one seriously amazing human being.
    Truly inspirational, keep being you!

    Much love, Katie x

Leave a Reply

Your e-mail address will not be published. Required fields are marked *