I don’t really know how to begin writing this post so I’m just going to write down my thoughts as best as I can hoping it helps someone out there. 

A few family members and friends have passed away during my lifetime but they have never been that close to me. I’ve always just shed a tear, sent my condolesnces & sort of got on with life.. Does that sound cold? I guess its just the truth. However nothing could have prepared me for the passing of Carla Louise. We knew she had cancer, but we also knew she was going to fight it AND beat it because she was the strongest person in the world. None of us ever imagine that that bitch called cancer would take her away forever.. 8 months after her diagnosis, her cancer became terminal & 2 weeks later she was gone. 

I remember breaking down into a puddle of tears & telling myself it wasn’t actually real. That she was going to walk back into the room and start laughing. (Carla had the best laugh in the entire world, I can still hear it now & I pray that I never forget the sound of it) I remember seeing pain in everyone’s eyes & for a while everything just felt silent. Of course there were noises – I mean, the world continues on doesn’t it, but I just couldn’t hear anything but her voice. Mostly her voice was telling me to ‘shut the F up & stop crying’ because thats what she was like. She didn’t want the tears, she wanted smiles & laughter – just like her life was. My god did she live a life.

I was sad that she was gone, but I was devastated that my cousin’s could no longer hug their Mum. No longer talk to her over a cuppa tea, see her face, smell her, laugh with her.. everything. The smallest things we all take for granted were simply taken away from them.

After a while (its now been two ish months) that pain turns to anger. I am so angry that it had to be her. Why why why did it have to be her? There are criminals, murderers, child molesters, so why did she have to go? She didn’t deserve to die. Life is so unfair & I will never forgive the world for taking her. I don’t really know who to blame (I know nobody is to blame) but I secretly feel like I need to blame someone. I don’t really know why?

Carla was the life and soul of every party & missing her doesn’t cut it. I tell myself every day that she’s still here. I play memories of us over and over and over again in my head. I remember her clothes, her hairstyles, her feet & her walk.. the little things you know? She was the first person to ever cut or dye my hair & now whenever I change my hair I think of her.

Some days I’m numb to it all & life does continue. I get up and go on with my day. I do my work, I eat & I socialise. Other days I suddenly burst into a thousand tears. A song on the radio will start me off, or I see a picture of her – it can be anything. But I guess thats what grieving does to you right?

Carla’s death changed me. But is it weird to say she changed me for the better? I try not to moan about the things I can’t change & not to let the small things worry me. I have a different approach to life now & everyday I try and make it the best day yet. If I want to leave in the middle of the night to walk to a hilltop and look at the stars I will. If I want to book that holiday I will & if I want to eat that entire packet of cookies I will and why you ask? Because life is too effin’ short not too. 

I wanted to end this post by saying if you’re dealing with loss, I understand. I won’t tell you that it gets easier because I don’t really think it does – you just get better at smiling and laughing more. What I can say is that they’re still with you, in your heart, in your thoughts or in your prayers – they are there. Tell everyone around you how much you love them & make time for your friends and family. Never take people for granted & be grateful for the ones still around. Enjoy life and please please be happy. We are blessed to still be here, don’t waste time, utilise it.

RIP beautiful angel, your soul will never grow old, its evergreen. 

(If some of this doesn’t make sense or there are spelling mistakes I’m sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to read back through it)


  1. 26th February 2015 / 9:05 am

    Thank you for sharing, Gracie. It must've been so hard to write this.
    I lost one of my best friends to a car accident when we were 18. I'm 31 now and it's still as fresh as ever.
    Blessed thoughts and cosy hugs xx

  2. 26th February 2015 / 11:35 am

    im really sorry i tried to stop myself writing this comment because i quite like you but still i find myself typing. i understand that you share things with everyone but dont you get paid for this? So your capitalising off your aunties death? Thats abit low..

    • 26th February 2015 / 11:53 am

      This is sad, just sad. Paid for a post about my auntie? You really think thats a thing? This is my place to write my thoughts, my views and my passions. If you want to do some research on paid content then read up on ASA. Im completely offended by your comment & quite frankly p'd off.

    • 26th February 2015 / 11:59 am

      well, this is rather rude.

    • 26th February 2015 / 12:00 pm

      From what I understand, bloggers get paid for the advertisements they include in the sidebar and header. They also get numerous free items to review. It's also now mandatory that they state which posts are 'sponsored'.
      I think that 'it's a bit low' of you to call her out on this when its obviously been hard for her to write what she has.
      Death is difficult for many people & she has chosen her blog to put down a little bit of what she's dealing with, maybe trying to straighten things out in her head. After all, didn't blogs start off as online diaries on the first place.
      I personally think you should have maybe thought about your comment before posting it as it's most likely going to upset her…or was that what you were going for?

    • 26th February 2015 / 12:22 pm

      Sorry, i didnt mean to upset you. i thought you got paid for all blogs/videos ect. I apologize, i was wrong.

    • 26th February 2015 / 2:59 pm

      Wow just wow… I hope your okay Grace.. Some people need to understand paid for content lol …

  3. 26th February 2015 / 11:41 am

    <3 I feel for you so so much. This post gave me goosebumps.

    I lost my sister (my best friend) back in July to Autoimmune Hepatitis and it doesn't get easier. People say you learn to live with it… But do you? Each morning driving to work all I do is think WHY.

    Its true what they say, it really is the best ones.

    I've recently neglected my blog put I'd be so grateful if you read a post I wrote back in July when it was still so raw to me.

    She'll live on in the amazing memories you have xxx <3

  4. 26th February 2015 / 11:57 am

    Thank you for this post. I'm so sorry for your loss, dealing with losing someone is incredibly hard and this post is just amazing. It doesn't really get any easier but at least you have all those amazing memories with her. Thank you again, Grace!

    • 26th February 2015 / 12:01 pm

      Thank you. Memories of stealing her shoes hahahahaha

  5. 26th February 2015 / 12:00 pm

    i do nothing but admire you for writing this, it must have taken so much strength and your auntie would be so proud of you 🙂

    Bethan | Thought from Beth x

  6. 26th February 2015 / 12:43 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if the feeling will ever go away, but it will get easier. Knowing how much she was loved, and how much she is missed is a good thing. She sounds like the most wonderful woman, and I bet you're so happy you had her in your life. There's nothing I can say to make this better, only keep thinking of her, feel what you feel, and accept life. I bet she was, and is, so proud of you.

  7. 26th February 2015 / 1:37 pm

    Very brave post and courageous words Gracie, sorry for your loss. My sister died last year so I can understand your thoughts. It definitely doesn't go away but as you said, you sort of learn to live alongside it.
    Hannah x

  8. 26th February 2015 / 1:37 pm

    Very brave post and courageous words Gracie, sorry for your loss. My sister died last year so I can understand your thoughts. It definitely doesn't go away but as you said, you sort of learn to live alongside it.
    Hannah x

  9. 26th February 2015 / 1:46 pm

    Hey Gracie. I understand how u feel. I lost my aunt back in 2005 to cancer. She was the light of my life. You must know when she is around because she was always the loudest. I love and miss her so much. I too used to question why her? But when god is ready for someone you can never question that Please accept my condolences.

  10. 26th February 2015 / 2:22 pm

    First and foremost, society needs to return to the basic social skill of THINKING before SPEAKING to avoid pure ignorance from spilling from their lips… And that's all I'll say on that matter.

    #PaidForGrief #Really???

    Gracie~ I'm a huge fan of your brand and I love this post! Thank you for sharing your heart with the world and letting everyone know that they have PERMISSION to grieve the way they need to when dealing with loss. Especially if they are angry. When I lost my dad (it's been some years now), it was considered "blasphemy" with my friends and family that I was actually angry about it and wanted to blame someone. And my situation was similar to yours in that no one could be blamed. Many people dealing with loss need to feel free to express their grief as they need to in order to better cope with their situation. Reading a post like this when I lost my dad would've saved me a lot of mental anguish and stupid mistakes I made (acting out) because I wasn't able to grieve the way I needed to.

    And you're right…the pain never truly leaves, however it does subside by doing exactly what you said, living a bigger and better life in their honor. It's what they'd want! So kudos for living life on your terms in honor of your Aunt!

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

    Keep doing what you do, you are such as inspiration to those that are TRULY for you! xoxo

  11. 26th February 2015 / 4:34 pm

    This is a lovely post, RIP to your Auntie she sounds like she was a lovely woman!

    Grieving is a weird thing right, you think your okay and then months later your not, I'm glad your approaching the situation in a positive way and learning from it. I see you doing so well and all these opportunities pouring in, I'm sure she watches over you and she's very proud. Well done for writing this post and for being honest with how you feel. That's a reason why I love you as a person, your realness!
    Stay strong xxxx

  12. 26th February 2015 / 8:15 pm

    Hi Gracie,

    I just wanted to say thank you for your post, it was lovely and really touched how I have been feeling at the moment. I live with my boyfriend and his mum who had been fighting cancer for the past few years, this Valentines Day we lost her and my heart has been broken ever since. I am finding it incredibly hard and fight between my own grief and loss and my grief that my boyfriend and his family have lost their mum. It truly is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, I feel like I have lost my best friend.

    Yesterday was her funeral and although it was heartbreaking to finally say goodbye, it did make me realise what a strong family we are and just how much love we have. That feeling accompanied with reading things like your post make me realise that we will be ok and get through this, although I will never stop missing her. I just want to say you are in my prayers and thank you again for sharing this, it really helped me in an hour of need.


  13. 26th February 2015 / 9:42 pm

    This broke my heart reading this, as I lost my granny a month ago tomorrow. It still doesn't seem real and I don't think it will ever make sense being SO close to someone then they are suddenly just gone. I know this is a very personal post for you, but I understood and was so familiar with every word in that last paragraph. I have the same approach to treat everyone better and enjoy my life the best I can. Loss really does change you. She had dimensia for ten years, so it was a struggle to communicate in the last few years, it's a horrible thing! Of course, it ended up being cancer in her case as well. It really is a bitch. I don't think it will ever get easier of i'll ever accept it, we all just get used to dealing with loss..eventually! Xxx

  14. 26th February 2015 / 9:52 pm

    I revently lost my uncle to sucide and then my brother in law to suicide only a few months later and he was only 23 and left behind his one year old son (my nephew). It's only been seven months but each day is a struggle, I see them all the time, Everytime I close my eyes. There is no words to describe the pain and I'm just finding it hard to cope. I hurt seeing my nephew grow up and knowing his dad isn't around, I hurt thinking I never told them I loved them enough. As my brother in law was only 23 I hurt for the future he could of had, he was the most amazing loving and kind young man you would wish to meet. Nothing seems real or makes sense anymore. Life is so cruel x

  15. 26th February 2015 / 10:39 pm

    Things like this happen in life to test us Gracie, its a hard world and no one deserves to feel the pain and loss that you are going through. It's ok to be sad, 9 years down the line I still get chocked up talking about the loss of my grandparents. Sending huge hugs your way x

    Charlotte – styleaked

  16. 27th February 2015 / 2:02 am

    Gracie, what a beautiful and touching post, I'm pretty sure that Carla is somewhere looking down at you and smiling for how strong you have been. I can't even begin to explain how I feel… you really tugged on some heart strings here and I feel a lump in my throat threatening to shed tears. I too have lost family members. I lost 3 family members in less than 6 months. The last one hitting me harder than ever, and one that I will never forget the date- it was my birthday. My aunty's death shocked me to the core, and it effected me in such a horrible and negative way. I think that what you are doing is amazing, you are showing such strength and courage and character, and I have so much respect for you for that.

  17. 6th May 2015 / 6:40 pm

    Thank you for writing this. It really helped me. I lost my mum on the 20th of December last year and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. The feeling of being angry at the world is exactly how I currently feel. You basically wrote down for me how I feel. Thank you.
    Sending lots of love!

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