WHAT I BELIEVE WILL MAKE ME HAPPY

MZ9A9487
MZ9A9568

Photography by
JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Wandsworth, London

 

I guess you could say that I'm on 'the pursuit of happiness'. I'm discovering who I am and also deciding who I'd like to be. I'm learning what makes me tick, what's good for my mental health, and how I can move forward into this new well and woke chapter of my life.

I can't quite articulate where I'm at the moment. I've left therapy and I'm suddenly navigating the world with more knowledge and understanding than I ever anticipated. It's exciting but also scary!

All my life I suppressed how I felt because I didn't believe I was worthy enough to have valid feelings - but oh how things have changed lol. I used to put up with toxic friendships, belittling comments from my wider family, as well as punishing myself with food because society taught me it was better to be hungry than it was to be full.

But over the past year I have learnt a lot about intuition and how important it is to listen to it. Whenever you get pangs of 'I don't think this person is good for me' or 'I'm hungry, I need to eat'  and you ignore them, you are basically saying to yourself 'I don't value your opinion'. And how self deprecating is that?

So with all the numerous da darrrrr moments I've been having as of late and a drive to really really get to know me and love her, I have suddenly been catapulted into a stage of change that I desperately think I am ready for....

 


MZ9A9455
MZ9A9435
MZ9A9541

To Stop Working So Hard
Which I know is maybe a weird thing to say but hear me out. I'm a workaholic - I have pushed myself so hard in the last 6/7 years to be successful. To girl boss it, to handle my shit, to be productive and motivated and to make a good life for myself. But I am now at a point where I still absolutely love working, but I love myself more. This doesn't mean I won't be on my grind - I will be, but I am also prioritising things outside of work that bring me joy. I'm a little embarrassed to say that currently, if my career were to end or hit a rocky patch, I would have nothing to fulfil my life with. I don't have a hobby, or a side project that I make time for. I don't know myself without my career and that worries me. For far too long I have thrown myself into work because it is easier than dealing with my thoughts but that must now come to an end. My work/life balance has always been more work favourable and maybe that is the reason why I have experienced some amazing opportunities, but now its time to experience those same opportunities within my personal life.

I want to start working out and feel stronger and physically powerful because that is where my mental state is now at. I want to laze around on the weekends drinking coffee, listening to Spotify and reading all the books I haven't had time to read. I want to have brunch with my friends and take my little sister to get her nails done in the name of self care lol. I want to lie in when I'm exhausted and not panic that I have to edit, or write, or reply to a tweet. I want to switch off in the evenings and make myself dinner instead of placing a Deliveroo order or driving to the McDonald's drive thru. I want some time to tidy and clean and water my plants instead of forgetting because I'm overworked and too busy. I want to enjoy what life has to offer outside of blog posts, a curated Instagram feed and whether or not I've replied to the 30th email asking me if I want to feature a detox tea.

I am so grateful to be where I am because if you told me just 2 years ago I'd be doing all the stuff I'm doing, I would've laughed in your face haha. However, I feel like I am compelled to listen to my heart and start doing more things for Grace, and not Gracie Francesca.

MZ9A9584
MZ9A9462
MZ9A9486
MZ9A9593
MZ9A9594
MZ9A9546

To Change The Direction Of My Career
I'm nervous to talk about this because I still don't entirely know what the future of online Grace is, but all I know is that a change has to come. I've been making Youtube videos since 2011, but in the last 2/3 years I have struggled with consistency and a passion for it. Although the shitty algorithms and over saturation has played a part in my slow decline, anxiety has been the main culprit. I dread checking the comments and seeing 'thumbs down' within 3 seconds of uploading lol and I am always in a fight or flight mode which is linked to my trauma. That alone is enough to confirm that I don't think Youtube is in my future. Now, that doesn't mean I'll never upload a single video again, but it does mean it will not be a real focus of mine and there will be no set schedule or routine with uploading (a bit like it is now tbh lol). I have tried for so long to make everyone happy but I have to accept that its just not for me anymore. I still want to blog and carry on with my other platforms though - so they will have my attention. I want to change my blog layout again and slightly shift this space with condensed content. I want to solely produce style and substance content, as well as empower women through spirituality and body positivity.

My career and profile has taken a natural direction towards jobs and opportunities outside of the internet anyway and its time I really worked on that. I know I have it in me to succeed away from how many followers I have - I just have to close my eyes and jump.

MZ9A9588
MZ9A9501
MZ9A9590

To Make New Friends
Do you ever feel like as you grow and change, your circle does too because same?! I've never had a huge friendship group and as I've got older and less tolerant of other peoples bullshit, as well as working on my own bullshit, I have really struggled to make and/or maintain friends. I trust too easily and I let people get close without really knowing them which often leads to a natural ending or a dramatic one. For the past year I haven't actively seek'ed friendships due to a lack of time and ability to put in effort on my part, but as this year ends I can't help but feel like I need a few more spiritual connections and solid friendships. Don't get me wrong - I have some amazing people in my life but due to circumstance and distance, I rarely get to see them. I'm still learning how to be a good friend and I hope with my own personal growth that I am able to be the friend to someone else that I would also like. Navigating friendships is one of the hardest things I've come across as an adult so I will definitely do some posts on this in the future.

I guess I'd like a few girlfriends that have the same morals and beliefs as me. To drink wine at my flat, order in and watch Bridget Jones with. If thats you - holla lol.

MZ9A9520
MZ9A9458
MZ9A9572

Shop My Look

Dress | Alice & You
Jacket | ASOS
Boots | Primark - similar linked
Red Bag | Mango - similar linked
Gold Hoops | River Island
Lipstick | Smashbox Fireball Matte

 

 

The A\W Dress Edit
ASOS


Topshop

Boohoo

New Look

 

MZ9A9438
MZ9A9531

8 Comments

  1. Erin
    29th October 2017 / 2:13 pm

    I feel like you and I don’t agree on everything (especially on twitter lol) But I really agree with a lot of things you stand for – and especially within this post. I REALLY struggle with self confidence around my body, and I can SO relate to telling myself I’m not hungry. I didn’t see how I am discounting my opinion and focusing more on others thoughts of me, so thank you for that. I LOVED your YouTube videos, so I would love to see you get more into it again – let the haters hate, and if you are ever looking for a new friend hit me up – I love making new friends! (Seriously I’m in Scotland and there is like no bloggers here lol) You look incredible in your photos, I love your confidence, and that bag is flipping BEAUT! All the best!

    Erin || MakeErinOver

  2. 29th October 2017 / 7:29 pm

    The whole new friends thing, YES. I used to have a massive group of friends when I was 18 but the older you get the more your level of patience for other people’s bullshit decreases haha. So excited for new things from you, regardless of what you do you can bet I’ll be reading/watching/LIVING for it lol!

    Shiana xx

  3. 29th October 2017 / 8:33 pm

    I’ve been feeling a similar way recently. I started a new, full time job and was coming home from that to do more work on my blog, Youtube etc. In the past few weeks I’ve taken some nights off. I’ve watched Netflix all evening and napped and baked. It felt amazing, and I’m going to do more in the future

    Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

  4. Kerry Joseph
    29th October 2017 / 10:35 pm

    Amazing post Grace. I completly agree with not really knowing who you are outside of work. My thoughts and drives are all linked to my career aspirations. Im on that road of growth, and im so proud of how your evolving. Guess we are all at a pivotal point in our lives where change is a must. I second that friendship thing… im hollering lol we have the same dob, immediate connection lol xx

  5. 29th October 2017 / 10:45 pm

    Dress is gorgeous! And I feel the same, I’ve worn myself out for the last 3/4 years doing 12 hour days and always being social, despite being a bit of an introvert. I’m knackered haha. Also amazing photos.

  6. 30th October 2017 / 9:53 am

    Learning to be a good friend is certainly a thing, and learning to keep the good ones, and know the difference is right up there too 🙂
    But when you say spirituality, what do you mean? I feel like that word must mean something different to everyone, yet it is sooo important to have it right in there! Any thoughts?

  7. Michaela
    30th October 2017 / 8:37 pm

    Grace

    The changes happening in you in you are amazing.. You look so much happier and sure of yourself self.

    I’ve been going through a few changes myself, and am on my own personal journey to being well and woke. I often find myself saying I need more friends, so…holla gurl lol.

  8. 1st November 2017 / 7:27 am

    Grace you look fucking AMAZING of late,glowing!!! Anything you do will be ace can’t wait to see what’s next x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *