I DON’T WANT TO BE SLIMMER ANYMORE

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Photography by JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk
Location: Tooting, London

 

I don't want to be slimmer anymore. No really.. I don't.

 

I'm not entirely sure when the realisation first hit, but over the last few weeks I've really turned a corner in terms of body acceptance and understanding my eating disorder and y'know what, it's been a longtime coming. If you've been following me for a while, or even just in the last few months you would know my battle with my body, and how difficult self love has been for me. The pressure to be perfect and desperately trying to fit into a ridiculous box that society has created, made me unwell and fucking miserable for most of my life. I've been at war with my body for as long as I can remember and at one point I genuinely believed that I'd never be happy unless I was thin.

 

My eating disorder diagnosis back in the summer of 2016 was the moment I really started to work on myself, and now 14ish months later, I am in a completely different place. Over the last year I've discovered myself and then re-discovered myself again. I've cried over weight gain and pined for a slimmer body - my 21 year old body that in my mind would eventually lead me to ultimate happiness, if of course I could just lose one more extra pound and stop eating so many damn syns (slimming world bullshit right there). I've removed myself from toxic relationships and friendships that I felt were stunting my growth. Boundaries are now in place and self care is the number one priority at the top of my list. I've diversified my social media platforms so that I am seeing bodies that come in all different shapes and sizes and most importantly.. I have unravelled all my childhood trauma and processed things that have happened to me, the things that I thought I could fix if I was skinny. Because lets face it.. we are all brainwashed into believing that happiness comes at the end of reaching our goal weight. Again, its bullshit!

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There are many factors and reasons as to how and why I've reached this point and I would honestly be here for hours talking about them all, but what I will say, is that undoing all the things I had learnt about bodies, health, worth and size has allowed me to live in freedom. Research and education has completely empowered me to shed the emotional baggage tied into my self worth - the belief that being big is bad and that being thin is in.

 

My mental health is SO important for me and if I have to be this size in order to be completely free and happy with the factors that lead me to have mental health issues and experience overwhelming sadness, then that is okay with me. The feeling of waking up and eating what my body wants is SO empowering and I don't think it will ever get old. For 20 odd years I've battled with my thoughts and my body and to be in a place of peace is truly, truly wonderful. So wonderful I could cry.

 

Health at every size is the journey I am on now and I'll be damned if I ever sacrifice my health for thinness again. My body is beautiful and I do not wish for it to be any other way than it is right now. And why? Because it has housed me all my life and still survived the emotional and physical pain, I and others have put it through. It loves me, it takes care of me and if I'm the happiest I've ever been then surely this is how I'm supposed to be? Who am I to criticise the way I was created?

 

"Don't worry about your body. It isn't as small as it once was, but honestly... the world needs more of you". - Clementine Von Radics

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Shop The Look

Top | ASOS
Blazer | River Island+
Trousers | River Island+
Adidas Superstar Trainers
Earrings | Zara
Bag | Zara

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So I may be a size 18/20/22 now and maybe I have a few extra rolls and chubbier cheeks but with all those gains I have also gained freedom. Freedom from counting calories and obsessing over whatever enters my mouth. Freedom from diet culture and perfectionism and trying to blend in when lets face it - I was absolutely always supposed to stand out. I'm free. Free from it all and to say that and truly believe it means more to me than you will probably ever know.

 

I am worthy and YOU are worthy of kindness, love and respect no matter what size we are.

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. Veronica
    25th September 2017 / 6:00 pm

    You are a babe!! I relate to everything you say so much, I just have to start loving myself and allowing myself to be free as well!

  2. 25th September 2017 / 6:11 pm

    I just really needed this today. Thank you for your beautiful words, your power poses, awesome hair and great quotes. Everyday is a day I am closer to there and one day I’ll get it.

  3. 25th September 2017 / 6:56 pm

    Girl your weight can never define your beauty even if your at your slimmest. I have been following your journey for a while and its an honour seeing you grow into an empowered women who’s slaying life. Your an inspiration to many of us. Love you loads :)xx

    A Girl’s Journal | girlsjournal95.blogspot.co.uk

  4. 25th September 2017 / 10:07 pm

    Just such a powerful statement. I wish you’d been around when I was a teenager. I love your attitude.

  5. Gillian
    26th September 2017 / 4:41 am

    You rock my world, I have come to the same mentality the last few years. Life is too short to be crying over “being skinny” when I was skinny I wasn’t happy either. Now I am the biggest I’ve ever been but I am the happiest I’ve ever been. My ass may be huge and my hips etc but more of me to love. 🙂

  6. 26th September 2017 / 10:40 am

    I’m the same size and I WISH I had the asme confidence and power as you! You look stunning <3

  7. Pam
    26th September 2017 / 12:14 pm

    you look amazing and I love your confidence! This outfit is seriously amazing and I love both suit and trousers, just gorgeous!
    Pam xo/ Pam Scalfi♥

  8. 26th September 2017 / 12:48 pm

    This is such an amazing blog post – I wish I had your confidence! Loving your outfit as well 🙂 x

    alicered.co.uk

  9. 26th September 2017 / 2:01 pm

    Loved this post Grace! Having just finished reading your book, it was like I was reading the next chapter where all that you talk about in your book has come to this point and it’s amazing to see 🙂 xx

  10. 26th September 2017 / 3:44 pm

    Oh my gosh I love this post so much. Your words are as beautiful as you are!! Love the grey and yellow contrasts in these photos too 🙂

  11. 27th September 2017 / 1:21 pm

    I’ve been following you for a long time now and I never really comment or interact, just watch and admire you from the sidelines but I just have to say on this one – Gracie, you are changing lives girl. My current viewpoint, my outlook and whole perspective on what beauty is has forced me to struggle both mentally and physically, the endless nights laid crying in my bed because I felt so ugly, fat and disgusting are over and you are a massive contribution as to why I no longer feel chained by the ideals of being skinner and depriving my body of not just food, but the self love and worth that you give yours. I have a huuuuuge way to go on my journey of loving myself truly and being confident in my own skin but I’d just like to say, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for showing me that my size 20 body is still beautiful regardless of what the never ending, fat shaming, parade of the media drills into all of us plus women out there. P.s – I am so happy that you’re happy!

  12. 27th September 2017 / 1:45 pm

    I really needed this post, I’ve recently gained a little extra weight and those couple of pounds have absolutely destroyed me and thrown my body confidence all the way back to 0.

    Alicia x
    http://www.aestheticobsessed.co.uk

  13. L
    27th September 2017 / 6:45 pm

    You’re outfit looks brilliant as do you.

  14. 11th October 2017 / 10:41 am

    I think I need to take some of your advice! Seriously you are so confident with who you are and it shines through in every single one of your pictures. I definitely need to start loving myself more. I worry too much about how I look and what other people think of me which is shit as I’m spending my 20s worrying and being unhappy?! So thank you for posts like these, I need it!

    Melissa x

  15. 16th October 2017 / 11:47 am

    You’re amazing Grace, love your positivity, confidence and the fact you’re helping and inspiring so many people with this post! Ps you look INCRED in these pics!!!!😍🙌
    Chantelle x

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