SO HOW IS THERAPY GOING?

 

After being diagnosed with PSTD and an ED back in June 2016, I began weekly therapy sessions at The Recover Clinic. As you can imagine, its been one heck of a journey so far, and I thought it was about time I updated you.

In the beginning I hated everything about therapy. Although I genuinely liked my therapist, I hated her for making me feel so vulnerable. So naked. So exposed. I avoided my sessions as much as possible. Initially I made excuses as to why I couldn’t attend face to face (I’m busy. I’m ill. I’m dying) but when Emmy (my therapist) suggested Skype calls, I would switch off my phone or pretend I was sleeping lol. Even though my problems were affecting my life, I still wanted to run from them.

I guess I didn’t trust Emmy enough to tell her what was happening, what I was feeling, what I was thinking. I’d opened up and trusted people before but it had always gone wrong so my guard was UP, all the way up. She was persistent though. I think she saw my potential even though I didn’t and for that I’m so so thankful.

Emmy told me how important therapy was and that I needed to place some boundaries in the other aspects of my life so that I could prioritise and attend my sessions. She gave me the kick up the ass I needed and we began making some s e r i o u s progress.

I expected my treatment to be all about food and tracking my diet and being weighed and all of that kinda stuff, but I was pleasantly surprised. All my treatment consisted of was processing my trauma. In the beginning I didn’t even know I had any, but by late September after finally letting Emmy in I had started to understand how horrendous some of my experiences had been. I was sad (still am), angry (still am), ashamed, embarrassed, vulnerable, emotional, traumatised, deflated and a gazillion other emotions too. Although Emmy could hold my emotional weight and ended our sessions on a positive note where I felt a little bit better & safe. I was extremely overwhelmed with processing all of my shit, as well as my new found knowledge that the world I had created for myself, was about to drastically change. Yes it was changing for the better, but either way I was scared.

You see, I had become accustomed to living with voices inside of my head. I had grown fond of being scared of certain foods and having a controlling disorder that was unkind and mean to me, but it was my friend (or so I thought). I genuinely believed it was normal to calorie count everything and punish myself with exercise or overeating or whatever else I knew I could abuse. I thought I was just *weird* and weak and that I needed to get my shit together. I thought locking my negative experiences in a box and hiding the key was beneficial and normal and it meant that I had overcome the affects of said experiences. Obviously.. I hadn’t and I had the biggest wake up call.

I spoke to Emmy about everything. Even when I tried to hold back out of shame, she somehow got it out of me. I spoke about my Dad and my Mum and everyone else in my family. I told my biggest secrets and my most random fears. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried so much that I didn’t think I had any tears left. I became so consumed by my pain that I went into a deep, very dark shell that a part of me thought I’d never come out of. It was so bad that I had to take myself away from everything. Family, friends – even my career. I was confused as to why people I thought were friends, I no longer wanted to be around. I was suddenly very aware that my unwell mind had developed unwell relationships and I needed to find myself in order to carry on with treatment.

I changed my number and asked for space from everyone. I cut off toxic people and I created boundaries with people I loved but had issues of their own that I realised were affecting me. I took a full 3 days off work each week to practice self care and spend time at The Recover Clinic. I immersed myself in reading and colouring and writing. I watched my favourite shows, I went for walks and I nurtured teenage Grace through all the pain and trauma she was still suffering from. It was fucking hard – harder than I thought it would be. I was so low and so sad, but with each day I became stronger. Yes I was upset and lonely, but it was as if the tears were cleansing me, renewing me for a better life. I found solace in that.

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Slip On Trainers – ASOS (similar linked) | Celine Bag – Vestiaire

Red ‘Cruella’ Lipstick – NARS | Geek Glasses | ASOS

I had never been taught to trust myself, so during the really really bad days, I had to close my eyes and just imagine Emmy’s face. Her voice, her words and her advice that became the basis of my recovery – ‘be kinder to yourself’, and that is what I go with every single day.  

 

My treatment so far has all been about empowerment and strength and developing an ability to realise my self worth can never be found in ANYTHING else, other than whats inside of me. Although thats something I’ve always known, its only recently I’ve really started to believe it. I speak to Emmy about my pain and my insecurities and I share with her things I will probably never tell anyone else – but I’m okay with that. I’ve found a bond with Emmy that I could only ever dream about. She really is my guardian angel.

Im in the anger stage now which I’m managing quite well. I’m not overwhelmed with shame or sadness anymore, I’m just a bit sensitive and vulnerable, but I know with that also comes strength. Its still difficult though and some days are harder than others. At the start of my journey I was desperate to reach the end but now I’m trying to just enjoy the ride – because I know this is where I’m going to learn the most.

 

 

Photography by JKG | jkgphotography.co.uk

My most recent session was a few days ago and it was horrendous. I cried a river of tears but I was okay and I now know that I always will be. I also now have a dietician – woohoo! I’ve pretty much offloaded and processed all of my trauma and I know I have a long way to go, but it feels SO good that I’m now in a place where I can tackle the food part of my eating disorder.

I don’t know what the next phase of my treatment is entirely, but I trust the people helping me and that’s all that matters.

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12 Comments

  1. 28th March 2017 / 7:46 pm

    It sounds like your treatment at the Recover clinic is incredible. It must feel so relieving to realise that you're not alone and that there's traumas you can tackle to help with your PTSD. I'm so glad you're well on the road to recovery <3

    Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

  2. 29th March 2017 / 6:59 am

    I've been in therapy for a year and I also had no idea of the extend of trauma I had suffered as a young child, and how much responsibilties was put on my shoulders by people that where supposed to take care of me. Something that I'm struggeling with right now is talking to my family. I've been ignoring their phonecalls for more than a month already and even though it's better for me, as they've never really respected boundaries, it's still unsettling. I'm happy with the steps I am taking but the journey to recovery is long and sometimes very lonely. Good luck with everything Gracie, you're such an inspiration <3

  3. 29th March 2017 / 9:05 am

    Wow it's amazing how open you have been here, and it sounds like there's a lot to get through, but just taking each tiny step forward is heading in the right direction and you've got the help you need to get through it! Alice xxx

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  4. 30th March 2017 / 1:49 pm

    It sounds like you're doing really well and you are sounding so positive now. Let's hope that continues for you. X

  5. 31st March 2017 / 4:09 pm

    Hi everyone, How to get ex lover back fast.
    My ex and I were friends for 8 years before we finally started dating. We really had a lot of fun together and I truly believe we can be great for eachother. Yet the timing just wasn't right. We dated for almost 2 years and during that time we both were in university and working so it was difficult to see eachother. And due to that we started fighting and eventually it led to him cheating on me because he was drunk at a party. We tried to move past it but in the end the distrust was too hard for us to keep moving forward and my anxiety caused him to break up with me. It has now been 3 months and we just started talking. He said he misses me and I told him I still have feelings for him but he said he isn't ready. What should I do? I needed help. As i was browsing through the internet i came across a website that suggested Dr.Unity can help get ex lover back fast and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 11 hours later, my boyfriend came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my boyfriend are living together happily again. Dr.Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464 ,His website: http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com .

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  6. 31st March 2017 / 4:11 pm

    Hi everyone, How to get ex lover back fast.
    My ex and I were friends for 8 years before we finally started dating. We really had a lot of fun together and I truly believe we can be great for eachother. Yet the timing just wasn't right. We dated for almost 2 years and during that time we both were in university and working so it was difficult to see eachother. And due to that we started fighting and eventually it led to him cheating on me because he was drunk at a party. We tried to move past it but in the end the distrust was too hard for us to keep moving forward and my anxiety caused him to break up with me. It has now been 3 months and we just started talking. He said he misses me and I told him I still have feelings for him but he said he isn't ready. What should I do? I needed help. As i was browsing through the internet i came across a website that suggested Dr.Unity can help get ex lover back fast and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 11 hours later, my boyfriend came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my boyfriend are living together happily again. Dr.Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464 ,His website: http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com .

    Tracey ,England.

  7. 31st March 2017 / 6:42 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. In June it will be 7 years that we have been a part of each other lives. Recently he found out about a guy I slept with when we were separated and I did not tell him about. Before we got married we both agreed to let everything out and start fresh. I didn’t tell him. I was embarrassed bc the guy and I never actually had sex…just everything that led up to it. not to mention it was my brothers best friend and a huge mistake. well it came out recently along with some lies. A friend told my husband I cheated on him and I have never cheated on my husband nor would I ever. He is convinced I am a cheater. we have 2 beautiful kids and all I have ever wanted is a happy family. my kids and my husband truly are my everything. I can not see a future where my husband is not in it. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage but I feel my husband is already set on the divorce. I know I could have been a better wife to him….a wife he deserves but now I fee like I have realized it too late. I look at my kids and I hate myself for allowing myself to break my family apart. I know my husband is not perfect and he has hurt me tremendously these past 5 years we have been off and on but we made it through for a reason. I love him and I want to save my marriage, one day a friend of my introduce me to a spell caster online who lift me up gave me hope and with-in 2 days after his spell my husband who told me he needed a divorce, called me and take me back home to me i must say today we are happily as one big family again all thanks to Dr happy a father and a real spell caster.Contact email address happylovespell2@gmail.com Call and Whats-App him +2348133873774 Also contact and know more about his service at http://happyspelltemple.webs.com/

  8. 2nd April 2017 / 6:04 am

    My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. In June it will be 7 years that we have been a part of each other lives. Recently he found out about a guy I slept with when we were separated and I did not tell him about. Before we got married we both agreed to let everything out and start fresh. I didn’t tell him. I was embarrassed bc the guy and I never actually had sex…just everything that led up to it. not to mention it was my brothers best friend and a huge mistake. well it came out recently along with some lies. A friend told my husband I cheated on him and I have never cheated on my husband nor would I ever. He is convinced I am a cheater. we have 2 beautiful kids and all I have ever wanted is a happy family. my kids and my husband truly are my everything. I can not see a future where my husband is not in it. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage but I feel my husband is already set on the divorce. I know I could have been a better wife to him….a wife he deserves but now I fee like I have realized it too late. I look at my kids and I hate myself for allowing myself to break my family apart. I know my husband is not perfect and he has hurt me tremendously these past 5 years we have been off and on but we made it through for a reason. I love him and I want to save my marriage, one day a friend of my introduce me to a spell caster online who lift me up gave me hope and with-in 2 days after his spell my husband who told me he needed a divorce, called me and take me back home to me i must say today we are happily as one big family again all thanks to Dr happy a father and a real spell caster.Contact email address happylovespell2@gmail.com Call and Whats-App him +2348133873774 Also contact and know more about his service at http://happyspelltemple.webs.com/

  9. 2nd April 2017 / 7:06 pm

    Hello readers,
    I USED LOVE SPELL RITUAL TO GET BACK THE MAN I LOVE.
    It was unfortunate that his ex gf decided to contact him to get him back the moment we planned to build a family together. I was hurt for seeing him confused and indecisive after I sacrificed time, energy, heart, life, money, soul for him only for him to pay me with heart break by saying that he is now unsure of our relationship. He developed an attitude of becoming cold and distant towards me. I know he loves me very much for the past 4 years and I love him more before his ex tries to steal his heart.
    I was advised by a good friend of mine to fight back both physical and spiritual if I truly love him. Her advised encouraged and lead me to posts and site that talks about love spell from Dr. Wakina https://drwakinalovetemple.webs.com, it was my first attempt but I took the opportunity that came once which Dr. Wakina provided via his email dr.wakinalovetemple@gmail.com. It was said and done by Dr. Wakina, I never knew his ex used evil powers on him. I fought a good fight which I and my lover are very proud of after his freedom and decision to continue with me until we get married, his ex has vanished from his life. I never doubted Dr. Wakina for once, he proved his worth.
    Thanks for your time…

  10. 3rd April 2017 / 1:20 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years. In June it will be 7 years that we have been a part of each other lives. Recently he found out about a guy I slept with when we were separated and I did not tell him about. Before we got married we both agreed to let everything out and start fresh. I didn’t tell him. I was embarrassed bc the guy and I never actually had sex…just everything that led up to it. not to mention it was my brothers best friend and a huge mistake. well it came out recently along with some lies. A friend told my husband I cheated on him and I have never cheated on my husband nor would I ever. He is convinced I am a cheater. we have 2 beautiful kids and all I have ever wanted is a happy family. my kids and my husband truly are my everything. I can not see a future where my husband is not in it. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage but I feel my husband is already set on the divorce. I know I could have been a better wife to him….a wife he deserves but now I fee like I have realized it too late. I look at my kids and I hate myself for allowing myself to break my family apart. I know my husband is not perfect and he has hurt me tremendously these past 5 years we have been off and on but we made it through for a reason. I love him and I want to save my marriage, one day a friend of my introduce me to a spell caster online who lift me up gave me hope and with-in 2 days after his spell my husband who told me he needed a divorce, called me and take me back home to me i must say today we are happily as one big family again all thanks to Dr happy a father and a real spell caster.Contact email address happylovespell2@gmail.com Call and Whats-App him +2348133873774 Also contact and know more about his service at http://happyspelltemple.webs.com/

  11. 8th April 2017 / 5:11 am

    I love your blog I'm only a teenagerand I can barely deal with my emotions people say that I should do therapy or, see a psychiatrist but I just didn't know and also how did you create your blog because I was wondering of doing one similar to this

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