So I think I've lost my body confidence.
I'm struggling massively and I can't pretend anymore.
I've been losing it for a while. Although its not really obvious is it? Im still posting selfies on Instagram and trying to be positive and upbeat and happy and inspiring, but to be honest, I don't really feel any of those things at all.
Quite the opposite actually.
I feel ugly and unworthy and fat and gross. I feel insecure and uncomfortable and I have an overwhelming urge to restrict my food and go on some insane diet to lose weight. What is it with us women with thinking that losing weight is the answer to all our body image problems?
I know that part of my negative thoughts about my body is my illness. My bullshit eating disorder that pisses me off at the best of times, but even more so when it makes me want to hide and cry and not be me anymore. The other part of my negative thoughts is comparison. I occasionally get into a place where I compare myself to everyone and I get stuck into scrolling through Instagram wishing I looked like a Nicki Minaj style video vixen or an Australian beach babe - anyone but me. I don't discriminate lol.
For the past month or so I've literally woken up everyday and wanted to do nothing but lay on my sofa in my comfies, forgetting about all of my responsibilities. I've dreaded going out because I'm paranoid that people will look at me and think 'ew'. I've struggled to simply get dressed because the curve of my stomach and the dimples of my thighs make me feel really sad. I've read fat shaming comments about myself which has filled me with self doubt and questions like; do I need to change? should I eat more 'healthily'? will losing weight make them stop? (spoiler, it won't).
I've even cried on my boyfriends shoulder asking for him to reassure me that he finds me attractive and you know what? ITS SHIT.
Its absolutely fucking shit.
I hate my new hair (I look like a tragic 80s flashdance performer). I hate my clothes (who knew spending £1000s a year on ASOS wouldn't provide me with a wearable wardrobe). I hate my skin (I have a giant red angry spot and I'm losing my tan). I hate my bum (its not round enough). I hate my belly (its not flat enough). I hate my chubby fingers (I just do). I hate my neck (isn't it obvious?). I hate my vagina (I need a wax - its out of control LOL). I could go on but I'm supposed to be giving up negative thoughts for lent.
There is also an added pressure being part of the body positive community, to love myself day in and day out. But right now I just can't. Right now, I've lost my body confidence and I don't know how or when I'll get it back.
I know its normal to feel this way, but it makes me even more upset that feeling so bogged down about my body is acceptable? Its so common that I bet 99.9% of my readers (you lovely bunch) can relate to pretty much every single thing I've mentioned in this post.
So what happens now? (takes a long hard deep breath lol).
Im taking today out. Im going to have an evening to myself to indulge in self care, both physical and mental. Yes I'm going to have the longest bath, wrap myself in a blanket and watch crime shows. But I'm also going to go for a long walk, make myself a sexy dinner, read, meditate and place a small (I'm lying) order on Boohoo for some new threads for my upcoming trip.
I know I'll be back to feeling myself soon enough but for now, here's to a mini digital detox and some time out to find a little happiness.