I think its fair to say that a huge downside to running your own business or simply living in society today, is feeling like there is always something to do and always more that could be done. As I write this post, I still haven’t showered, I’m sat in my pjs at 11am & there is copious amounts of washing up to do. I feel guilty and lazy and like I need to put on a full face of makeup and get on top of filming videos, taking photos, editing a vlog I’ve been putting off and everything else I should probably be doing. Even though I’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy not in the mood to do anything at all.
Yesterday’s therapy session has left me feeling a little wounded. I feel extra vulnerable and drained and sad and I would love nothing more than to run away for a while and hide from the world (or at least people that know who I am). I just can’t get motivated and I feel like I’m simply not doing enough.
Yes I’m busy, pretty much all of the time. Yes I have a healthyish (LOL) bank balance. Yes I’m getting enough work and opportunities. Yes I just wrote a book. Yes I post weekly and upload videos when I can. Yes I tweet daily and post most days on Instagram and yes I meet new & old brands frequently. So why do I feel this way? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself to force things & do even more?
I guess I know what I’m capable of but I’m frustrated that my brain capacity can’t handle being overwhelmed, because my mental health isn’t 100% right now. I’m also due on so I feel lethargic and more emotional than usual, yay to being a woman. But the leading factor in feeling this way, is because I’m seeing how much other people are doing. Or should I say, how much other people look like they’re doing.
Comparison is inevitable – we’re only human after all, but in comparing myself to others, I’m left feeling like I ‘shit.. I should probably do that or start doing this and omfg I’m a failure of a human being’.
I wish I could take outfit photos everyday and curate a dreamy Insta feed. I wish I could drink coffee in a peaceful aesthetically pleasing cafe and live the good ol’ freelance life. I wish I could afford a dreamy new lens and take outstanding beauty shots of makeup and face masks and cute little bath bombs. I wish I could upload videos twice a week (like I fucking promised myself and my followers that I would). I wish I could hire a crew to help me film a sick ass fashion video and I wish I could get my life together and save for a house and stop ordering new clothes from ASOS. I wish I could do it all, I wish I could do what I am doing, but all of the other stuff too, but I can’t.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not doing enough.
I go above and beyond to make sure I can pay my bills, whilst also making sure I have my eyes set on the bigger picture – y’know.. making my dreams come true and all of that. I may not be doing what other bloggers or freelancers are doing, but I’m doing what Grace should be doing and that is enough. I’m trying to push myself and work hard, but I’m also aware of how important self care & having me time is. I guess I’m just figuring out the work/life balance whilst also being honest with myself and what I can and can’t do.
I’m doing the very best I can and that IS enough.