When it comes to acceptance, the usual chat tends to head towards what you look like & learning to accept things like small boobs, saggy boobs, stretch marks & cellulite - the stuff society deems as 'ugly'. I often talk about it myself, with posting body confidence photos on Instagram and talking about my insecurities on various different platforms.
But what about acceptance when it comes to personality & characteristics and everything else thats makes us us, without touching upon our outer exterior? (the shit that really matters)
I rarely see people discussing the acceptance of who they are, whole heartedly. I don't even think until recently I realised the importance of it either.
So thats what I'm going to touch upon today..
Photography by JKG
She's pretty damn cool lol.
I guess I've always pushed against who I really am. When I was younger I wanted to live up to everyone else's expectations of me. In my 20s, I think I was so busy trying to lose weight or not throw up my food, or pretend to be happy when inside I wanted to die (sounds dramatic but I bet most of you can relate haha) that I didn't really find my true self. I was too concerned with who I thought I wanted to be.
And then when I did find myself - it fucking scared me.
But therapy has given me, what I can only describe as 'a new pair of glasses so that I can see clearly'. Its enabled me to accept my past so that I can move on and in doing so, I've changed. Although I don't think its true change, more like just becoming the person I should have always been. Does that make sense?
I hope it does.
Ive recently realised that I'm an introvert - albeit a confident, outspoken introvert, but who the fuck knew? I also don't like alcohol, unless its in the form of a cocktail because sugar, obvs. I like water, open water to be exact - it doesn't scare me, it excites me. I enjoy colouring and reading and watching documentaries on true crime or difficult kids. I don't care for the Kardashians and as much as I love contour, I like being bare faced more. I don't like being surrounded by people, especially people I don't know. I also don't like small talk - I'd rather the silence. I listen to sad songs that a lot of my friends call 'depressing music' - I guess I like music that moves me, that makes me feel something. I absolutely hate religion, but I love spirituality - to me, they are totally different things. Im not tidy, my enviornment reflects my mind, but I think I find peace within the chaos. I have an old soul with the heart of a small child, oh and I fucking hate salads (unless its a chicken ceaser covered in dressing and croutons). I cry at everything and I don't know why. The world can be so hard, but yet I remain so soft. I trust a handful of people but I treat everyone like they're a friend. I struggle to initiate sex - that sorry sod REJECTION! Im vulnerable, so so vulnerable, but I also think I'm incredibly strong. I love orange squash (I might have a mild addiction but hey ho haha) and I find it extremely difficult to make real friends. I like money which some people think is a negative trait, but for me - it motivates me to get out of bed in the morning and it hasn't lead my wrong thus far. I have a diffuclt relationship with my Mum, but she is the one person I will forever try to protect. I may know the correct answer, but I'll be the last to raise my mind. I enjoy learning, infact - I crave it. Rough around the edges & cannot be tamed. Mindful of opinions but still outspoken. Impatient. Honest - maybe a little too much. Understanding and curious. Passionate but hesitant. Wary but wild. An extremely happy person but with a foundation of sadness.
Admitting I'm not the person I once was has been really hard, but also completely awakening. Although theres lots of aspects of me I still need to learn to accept, the parts I've already accepted have given me an added confidence that I never knew possible. Im grateful, so fucking grateful.
I don't want to fight against myself anymore to fit in & to be liked, or because its easier pretending to be someone else. I've wasted so much time and energy on trying to mould myself into someone I thought I should be, so its now time to invest in the person I actually am.
This is me, the real me. And you know what? I like her.
Who are you?