This morning I woke up and everything seemed ok. I had a decent nights sleep & the sun was shining...
But by 12pm I was lying on my office floor, sobbing into my arms and whispering 'you need to lose weight', 'I fucking hate life', 'uhhhhh, you're disgusting'.
Destructive thinking 1. Gracie Francesca 0.
I'd seen a photo of myself that made me honestly want to run away and hide forever. I literally felt like I wanted to die. It was taken from my 'bad angle' (I have a few - I hope I'm not the only one) & it repulsed me.
I felt ugly. I felt guilty. I felt embarrassment. I felt shame.
I felt fat (as in - all the negative connotations linked to the word fat - lazy, hideous, gross, unhealthy etc). And I didn't want to look like me anymore.
(btw I have no idea where this post is going. I just need to get my thoughts out because I don't know how else to deal with them)
My hairs shit. My skins even worse. I hate all my clothes. My room is a mess. I wish I could stop thinking. I have so much to do. Why can't I just focus? Maybe I should stop eating. I really don't like my side profile. Why can't I stop eating? I hate my arms. Gosh, I really hate my arms. I used to be so much slimmer. I wish I could've carried on restricting the way I did back then. How can I lose weight quickly? Why do I always feel so drained? I wish I could talk to someone. I'm not good enough. I'm never gonna be good enough. Am I?
Am I normal for feeling like this? Am I due on? I fucking better be because this shit is starting to get old REAL quick.
On top of hating how I look today and feeling insecure AF, I have no motivation to do anything.
Zero. Zilch. None.
My to do is list is as long as my arm and I could really do with hoovering my bedroom but yet I'm sat here, drinking a giant bottle of water, watching random videos on the internet and holding my armpit to my fan because I'm fucking melting.
Im tired. So tired. Ive been really anxious lately so that could be why. Im getting enough sleep so I know its not that. Maybe overthinking makes you sleepy?
(Maybe I am due on. I haven't stopped crying. I've got sore nipples. Im craving chocolate AND A LOT OF IT).
Also, does anyone else get an overwhelming sense of 'if I'm not working myself to the bone everyday then I'm gonna fail at life', because same.
I know I should probably have a mental health sick day today. I should indulge in some self care, or at least drink tea, eat biscuits and watch Big Bang, but the thought of not getting shit done before I fly to NYC on Saturday is making me itch.
FFS Grace. Get your life together.
I think the biggest issue on days like this is feeling silly and alone. I sometimes catch myself questioning why & how everyone is happy and positive and living a great life, whilst I'm sat in baggy trousers, a baggy T and craving McDonalds.
I guess I just hate everything today..
I hope I wake up tomorrow in a better place.