We all know I don’t shy away from RL shit that women go through. From big boob problems, to fanny farting, I’m always up for talking about embarrassing things. The other day I was flicking through my travel posts and came across my photo diary from Portugal last year. It was a press trip with Curvy Kate and during said press trip, I got a bout of thrush (from pouring bath salts in our giant rooftop bath and drinking far too much alcohol lol) Reliving that hilarious yet itchy memory spurred me on to write this disgustingly honest post…
1. Using Food For Other Purposes
Dosing your vagina in M&S greek yogurt because thats all you’ve got in your flat to soothe your inflamed lips. (and because you cant be bothered to go to Tesco to buy Canasten…. again). Ugh. Stupid thrush.
2. ‘Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth’
You wake up at 7am and realise your breath smells like someone has died. ‘OH SHIT’. Thats because last night you were stuffing Cadbury Wholenut down your neck and downing Diet Coke because you had the worst.day.ever and yes…. You forgot to brush your teeth before you went to sleep. Sexy mama.
3. Not Wiping
You run into the toilet, pull your panties down and have the best pee of your life that you’ve been holding in for what felt like forever, only to realise theres no toilet roll. No probz babes. I can drip dry.
4. Watching Porn
You have a nice relaxing bath, put on your sexy pjs and slip into bed alone, with your laptop, browsing porn hub. A) you’re horny as fuck but don’t want to give up the goodies B) you’re bored as fuck and watching Youtubers who you hate just isn’t cutting it C) you plan to ride him like a cowgirl but you want to learn how..
5. Not Showering
Its Sunday which mean Netflix & chill (by chill I mean actually chill) and laze around festering all day. Shower on a Sunday? Naaaaahhhhhhhhhhh bruv.
6. Faking It
Because he’s just SO.DAMN.HOT and has the potential to be Mr Right. Imagine telling him that he needs to cut his fingernails and he thrusts like a donkey? LOL LOL LOL.
7. Lying Out Of Jealousy
Telling all your friends how much of a fucking biatch the new girl is at work, when really, she’s a total babe and you’re a jealous little cow who needs to get her life together ASAP (we’ve all been there babes)
8. Pretending You’ve Got It Together
Getting home from work ABSOLUTELY starving and then realising you forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer. KILL ME NOW. So you decide to crack open a family sized bag of Doritos and dip because you cant afford to order another takeaway.
9. The Sniff Test
Things are getting a bit heated and just as his hands begin making way down to your vagina, panic steps in.. OMFG WHAT IF I SMELL. ITS SO HOT TODAY. I SHOWERED THIS MORING BUT NOW ITS 7PM. So you quickly revert to (in a sexy voice of course) ‘babe, I just need to go to the toilet’. Before you know it your leg is on the bath, your nose is by your belly button and you’re trying so damn hard to see if you smell weird. (now where the fuck are the baby wipes?).
10. You absolutely can relate to all of the above and now you want to die? LOL!