THOUGHTS


I've been putting off writing this for the past few months, but tonight I decided it was time to finally put pen to paper.. or should I say thoughts to blog.

So where have I been you ask? Well, where do I bloody begin.

Back in March I started filming my documentary for BBC3, and I didn't quite anticipate how full on it would be. Although I'm not filming long hours everyday, having to be here, there and everywhere without having my usual routine, has caused me to be in a state of organised(ish) chaos. On top of that, brand work and sponsored content has exploded and although I'm extremely grateful, its sods law that the influx has come all at once. I'm self employed so I need all the dollar dollar I can get, but I do have a habit of saying YES to everything when I'm actually now in a position to pick and choose what work I want to do. When you've been grinding all your life and have come from pretty much nothing it doesn't feel right turning opportunities and money down but hey ho - I guess I need to just run with it. In a nutshell my career is going the way I want it to and I can't complain with how busy I am, but it sucks that I've taken such a long, unplanned break from making content on both here and my Youtube channel..

Although I say my break was unplanned, I'm starting to think it was a blessing in disguise. You're all probably tired of hearing it but I'm gonna say it anyway.. The blogging/vlogging world has become something I don't particularly like. This isn't shade (maybe a little) but I feel like materialism and narcissism has completely taken over the raw, honest and down to earth tone that was once the reason so many of us started writing blogs, and started reading them too. I understand blogging is a fast growing industry that has a ridiculous amount of money being pumped into it BUT, I'm honestly so over it. There is only so many designer handbag collections I can watch. I don't really care about how much stuff someone has. Teach me something. Uplift me. Make me laugh. Make me feel something. You know what I mean? Maybe its just me, and maybe I need to let it go and get over it, but I just feel like there is so much going on in the world and so many of us aren't using our voices for the greater good. I understand people tend to only talk about whats relative to them, but I just think its important to have a little perspective. I guess I've felt completely uninspired to share things with the world wide web and I've lost my way, with who I am and what I want to talk about..

One of the other reasons I've felt lost is because a few months ago I went through a difficult break up. Most of you will already know, however I haven't gone into that much detail about it, partly because its nobody's business and partly because it broke me.. for a while anyway. Although it eventually became mutual, it was just really shit to let go of someone who became my best friend. I know now that maybe we weren't right for each other, but it doesn't make it less painful, it probably makes it worse. I felt like I wasted my time & that I didn't really know him that well after all. It was just really hard to get out of bed in the morning, to focus on my work, to smile.. I didn't think I'd feel happiness again. 

I looked back in my diary yesterday to see when I was last in a consistent routine with my life, and it was October 2015 - so no wonder I'm all over the place. So much has happened in the last 6 months, I'm exhausted and drained but I'm also not giving up. Ive come this far, it would be stupid to fall now.  I'll be the first to admit I've struggled with every aspect of my life since the beginning of the year, but I finally feel ready to figure it all out and get myself back, back to being Grace.

For me, travelling is a way I escape everything. Although I know home, I often don't stay in the same place for too long. I've been feeling like there isn't much for me here, so visiting other countries sort of gives me a purpose again. I've been away a lot and although it hasn't helped my routine issues and I've had to work whilst lounging by the pool, I've felt like I really needed it. I don't completely switch off unless I'm in a different time zone and with all the positives and negatives that life has lead me too, I haven't really stopped..

I haven't had the chance to celebrate or catch myself. I didn't have time to process a lot of whats happened & I didn't give myself time to heal.

I've been in a whirlwind for such a longtime that I needed time for me. I needed and still need time to do what I want to do, other than work, scroll through my feeds or shop. I've sort of forgotten what makes me happy, which actually makes me really really sad. I don't get to see my friends from home, I miss out on seeing my baby cousins grow up and I wish I could be there for my sister more. My career is so important to me, but I matter too and the past few months has really changed my outlook on how I want to move forward.

Last week I returned from the holiday of a lifetime (sorry for the spam in holiday shots you're going to see over the next few weeks) and it gave me some clarity, some closure. I have never been happier than I was out there. I laughed, I cried, I danced, I got ridiculously drunk and I finally missed creating content and being home. My mojo returned and the storms that had taken over my mind began to disappear. It was such a great feeling and I can't even tell you how good it feels to be back. 

I wish I could carry on writing and tell you everything else I've been up to, everything else I've felt, everything else I've thought but I'll save that for future posts.

I've missed you all and I want to just say a massive thank you for the support and love you all show me. 
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25 comments

  1. welcome back lovely! glad you had a nice time off on holiday and are ready to come back bigger and better!
    Pam xo/ Pam Scalfi♥

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  2. So honest of you to write this post!!I'm also going through a break up at the moment, so can totally relate to how you feel and it sucks that not only do you lose the relationship, but also your best friend too :( it's still so raw for me and I don't believe I'll find the happiness he brought me ever again, but I have hope that things will work out. So pleased your back though and look forward to more from you xx

    Lauren | itslaurenvictoria.blogspot.co.uk

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  3. Welcome back hun!

    So nice to read posts thats are really genuine and heartfelt.

    Sad to hear that you've gone through a brake up :( but try and remember that everything happens for a reason, and hopefully you'll become a stronger person :)

    Looking forward to reading all about your hols!

    www.smallfreckles.blogspot.com

    xxx

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  4. cant say it enough, but i am so proud of you. i am so glad you have the motivation to carry on creating content, ive missed you on the internet, but completley understand that this was what you needed❤️ love you X❤️X

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  5. So sorry for your break up, it's always hard to go through something like this but I believe everything in life will teach us something in a way or another and we will always evolve out of it. :)

    I followed you because you talk about your history, insecurities, etc...And I kinda identify with it so when it comes to blogging I'm definitely tired of bloggers who don't share any views when it comes to huge issues on fashion/beauty industry like diversity or even a small insecurity. Perfection is a turn off for me. As you said, the lack of using the platform for a greater good.

    xx
    http://www.glossy-c.com

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  6. Back on the grind! All power to ya. Keep slaying - you inspire so many! X

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  7. Welcome back beautiful Gracie ! You deserved that holiday and you and Mary looked FIERCE! Those snapchats of highlight made my days that little bit better 😂✌🏻️ I love reading / watching your content. Your so real and it's sometimes hard to be within such a materialistic industry we're in. I nearly cried at this post! I hope your heart it on its way to being meanded and I know you will find your soul mate one day. Stay sassy and stay slayin! Lots of love, Imogen / www.miniaturemilk.wordpress.com / miniature milk YT xxxxxx

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  8. Gracie you're always so inspiring so as much as the blogging industry has changed, there's always wonderful people like you making content that matters to real people. Sometimes you just need a break so glad to hear you're feeling better x

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  9. Sounds like you really needed a break, Grace :) I'm so glad you're back now, but never feel guilty for having some time off. You have to put yourself first. x

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  12. Thank you so much for your raw honesty, I always love when people are vulnerable because I know it takes courage but it makes a person that much more relatable. I remember a few years ago in one of your vlogs you were tearing up about how awful your life was at the time and I could feel your pain through the lens. Thank you for always being willing to put yourself out there, it inspires me to push my comfort zone on my youtube channel and blog as well. --Lexi Darcel

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  13. Welcome back! I'm quite a new follower of your blog, so hello! The topic about bloggers pushing products and material things really speaks to how I feel at the moment. I feel like a lot of the bloggers I'm following currently have slowly become the same person and I feel like I'm reading the same post with a different author every time. I know a girl's gotta make a living, but I feel like I can't digest that type of content anymore without feeling sick. I love your perspective and your drive to make the world a better place. You make me feel like I can make a difference and I shouldn't be uncomfortable in my own skin. Can't wait for future posts from you! Thanks :)

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  14. I wrote an article to Dr. Wakina on how I and my husband had a fight that lead to my loneliness and despair, hoping for help on getting back my husband. The reason we got into fight was not because he always cheat on me with different women, I always forgive him for that because I couldn’t change him. I fought him when I found out he was too extravagate, he wasted our hard earned money on his vices which includes smoking, drinking, clubbing and gambling. As an expecting mother, I couldn’t accept that part of his life and the pain he caused me hence I went hysterical and physically abused him on our anniversary night (May 31st). He was traumatized by the fight which I regretted, I asked for his forgiveness, but he never listed, he traveled out of the country to stay with his friend. I was seriously hurt, my guilty conscience won't let me live without him.
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  15. I always always love you because you are always real and honest! Loads of love !

    Freda Lee x

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  16. sending love and positive thoughts your way xx

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  18. I'm very sorry to hear what you have been through life and its obstacles can be overwhelming at times and makes us lose our sense of love and identity, I know you will pull through and show what you are made off to us and the rest of the world. Sending my love your way xx

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  20. So glad to see that you are in a place where you are inspired to post again, and what an honest and raw way to do so. Welcome back Gracie and thank you for being real!

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