Explaining to someone what anxiety is and how it makes me feel is like explaining the birds and the bees to a child, its literally like.. wtf!?!
I guess I’ve felt anxious for as long as I can remember but its grown increasingly worse over the last few months. Im ridiculous busy, I have deadlines and demands being made left right and centre. Im under pressure, I'm feeling stressed and I just think everything is too much. And even though I know all this and I know why I'm feeling anxious you would think that it would make it easier in knowing how to stop it, but you’re wrong, in fact, it probably makes it worse. Trying to control something that quite frankly at times you have no control over is so f***ing hard, on some occasions it makes me feel stupid, inferior and silly.
Ive had anxiety for as long as I can remember but for the past year it has gone from a small cloud, to a giant one that sometimes takes away all my sunshine. I’ve spoken openly about depression, body image issues and self harm and luckily, I don’t suffer from those issues as much as I used too - in fact, not really at all. I guess as the years have gone on, anxiety has taken the places of other issues and at the moment, its surrounding me full force. I feel like I’m drowning and I can swim as hard and as fast as I like but I can’t catch my breath.
So what makes me anxious you ask? Well, it can be answering the phone to going to the gym. It can be checking Youtube comments to opening the post. If I’m too busy I feel anxious because I worry that I can’t get everything done & if I’m not busy at all I worry that I’m a failure and nobody wants to work with me. Its weird. Maybe its the unknown aspect? What will people say? What will people think? I know worrying gets us nowhere but I genuinely cannot help it. I think myself into a total mess. Sometimes I can’t even eat because my anxiety makes me feel that sick :(
I don’t know if its the busy lifestyle I live but most of the time I feel overwhelmed. I can’t focus on anything and my mind literally feels like a maze. I can’t see where to go or where to turn and it drives me crazy. I can’t talk, I can’t think and I can’t sleep. Its like everything I feel is heightened and I long for nothing more than to just not feel, to just shut my mind up y’know?
Anxiety is the most irrational thing in the world and even though I know that, I still can’t control it. I lost my bank card the other day and most people react with ‘Oh shit, this is a bit annoying but oh well, all I can do is cancel it and re-order a new one. It will take 10minutes of my time with my bank, its no biggie’. But for someone like me, for someone with anxiety this is how I reacted ‘OMFG, is this actually happening. How will I get anywhere, how will I buy anything? What if someone knows my pin and they will take all of my money. How do I cancel it without having to call my bank? Im such an idiot. Why did I leave it in my pocket and not put it in my purse. What if my bank blame me and they cancel my account and steal my money? What if what if what if WHAT IF’.. Then a river of tears began to slide down my face and all because I lost my bank card and all because anxiety makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.
Feeling anxious is one thing, but feeling anxious all the time, nearly everyday is just draining. Its draining not only on the mind but also physically too. Some days I am so tense that I get headaches and my back absolutely kills. I feel sick, I feel tired and I generally just don’t feel myself. Mental health is hard to understand isn’t it? I mean, I suffer from it and yet it still baffles me sometimes. I don’t understand how one tiny thing can make me feel like my world is about to come crashing down? How can answering the phone make my heart literally thump?
But hey, thats anxiety.
I guess I wanted to write this post so it raises awareness for anxiety & mental health but I also wanted to reach out so people who are suffering know that they are not suffering alone. Mental health is so very isolating and when our minds are struggling to process the tiniest things, we forget that there are other people out there who are going through the exact same thing.
Im trying not to let anxiety take over my life or ruin my days but its like I'm in quick sand and the harder I fight it, the more I sink.