Learning how to love myself is something I've been working on since 2012 and I cannot begin to describe how hard its been. Some days I'm positive, I'm ready to take on the world and nothing can bring me down. Other days I hate every inch of body and self doubt is at the fore front of my mind. I feel like I've made progress with a lot of things in my life, my career, moving out, the amazing opportunities I get to experience, but loving myself has been at a standstill for a while. I haven't gone backwards, but I don't think I've gone forwards either..
The pressure I put on myself is overwhelming and at the moment, every morning I wake up and I cannot stop thinking about what to eat and how I look. I obsess over my weight & I am as anxious as ever. I pick at every little detail and scrutinise myself. I guess I'm just tired. So tired.
Trying to get your head in the right place for making changes and living a better lifestyle is the hardest part. Its not even about being lazy because I am one of the hardest working people I know, its about listening to the good thoughts and not the bad. I can only describe how I feel as having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is saying 'you can do this Grace, its not as hard as it seems, you're beautiful no matter what'. And then the devil is saying 'you deserve to be sad, you deserve to be fat and unhealthy, you will never be good enough, no matter how hard you try'. The devil seems to scream and the angel seems to whisper. Can you guess which one I hear?
I wish it was other people making me feel this way but its not, its me, my mind.. And thats why its so hard. Nobody makes me feel like shit but me. Someone could call me a fat pig and I would laugh it off, because I genuinely don't believe them. But if I call myself a fat pig, I am in absolute despair. Does that make sense?
A friend on Twitter messaged me saying 'You have inspired me to get my shit together like you have', and I thought 'you have absolutely no idea'. YES, some days I do, I eat right, I exercise, I do my work etc but other days I am literally so overwhelmed with it all I just can't focus. Today, I looked at my arms in the mirror and actually started crying. Crying because they look like the size of a house and crying because I hate my mind and I wish so bad for it to shut up. My mind is so toxic and I hate having to live with it sometimes. Trying to change my way of thinking can be impossible some days and I think today is one of them.
I've been in Cosmo, I've done a front cover of a magazine, I've done this and I've done that and yet, none of that is enough. I guess I'm trying to say that journey's of self love can be and are very difficult, especially for someone like me who was so self destructive for so long. Some people think 'well you're beautiful' or 'don't listen to your thoughts' helps, but if I'm honest, it doesn't. I dream for a spotless mind. A mind that didn't confuse or worry me. A mind that doesn't make me want to hide away from the world. I obsess over the scales, how much I weigh, how much I've lost or gained. Will I be able to fit in that top or those jeans? Its literally a daily battle and I cannot escape.
Making an effort and conscious choice to love yourself is hard work. Maybe not for everyone, but it is for me. It takes every inch of my being to say 'Grace, you're beautiful'. You know... its really hard to lead a healthy lifestyle when your mind isn't healthy. Im not depressed, I don't actually know what I am. The only two words I can use are overwhelmed and tired. I feel like I've hit some sort of wall and its completely stopped me in my tracks.
I don't want to pretend and I don't want people to think that I'm happy and content all the time because I'm not. I am my own worst enemy and when life gets a little rocky, I get rocky too. Im not sure where this post is supposed to be going, I guess I just wanted to write about how I feel because maybe it can help someone, and maybe even help myself?
I have no doubt that sooner or later everything will click and fall into place but at the moment I'm really struggling and I'm not sure what to do. Im happier than I was a few years ago, but I'm not as happy as I could be. Im trying, I am trying so fucking hard but sometimes it all gets a little too much.
I want you all to know that if you are on your own little journey and its not that great at the moment, its okay. We'll be okay <3
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this a few weeks ago.