I don't really know how to begin writing this post so I'm just going to write down my thoughts as best as I can hoping it helps someone out there.
A few family members and friends have passed away during my lifetime but they have never been that close to me. I've always just shed a tear, sent my condolesnces & sort of got on with life.. Does that sound cold? I guess its just the truth. However nothing could have prepared me for the passing of Carla Louise. We knew she had cancer, but we also knew she was going to fight it AND beat it because she was the strongest person in the world. None of us ever imagine that that bitch called cancer would take her away forever.. 8 months after her diagnosis, her cancer became terminal & 2 weeks later she was gone.
I remember breaking down into a puddle of tears & telling myself it wasn't actually real. That she was going to walk back into the room and start laughing. (Carla had the best laugh in the entire world, I can still hear it now & I pray that I never forget the sound of it) I remember seeing pain in everyone's eyes & for a while everything just felt silent. Of course there were noises - I mean, the world continues on doesn't it, but I just couldn't hear anything but her voice. Mostly her voice was telling me to 'shut the F up & stop crying' because thats what she was like. She didn't want the tears, she wanted smiles & laughter - just like her life was. My god did she live a life.
I was sad that she was gone, but I was devastated that my cousin's could no longer hug their Mum. No longer talk to her over a cuppa tea, see her face, smell her, laugh with her.. everything. The smallest things we all take for granted were simply taken away from them.
After a while (its now been two ish months) that pain turns to anger. I am so angry that it had to be her. Why why why did it have to be her? There are criminals, murderers, child molesters, so why did she have to go? She didn't deserve to die. Life is so unfair & I will never forgive the world for taking her. I don't really know who to blame (I know nobody is to blame) but I secretly feel like I need to blame someone. I don't really know why?
Carla was the life and soul of every party & missing her doesn't cut it. I tell myself every day that she's still here. I play memories of us over and over and over again in my head. I remember her clothes, her hairstyles, her feet & her walk.. the little things you know? She was the first person to ever cut or dye my hair & now whenever I change my hair I think of her.
Some days I'm numb to it all & life does continue. I get up and go on with my day. I do my work, I eat & I socialise. Other days I suddenly burst into a thousand tears. A song on the radio will start me off, or I see a picture of her - it can be anything. But I guess thats what grieving does to you right?
Carla's death changed me. But is it weird to say she changed me for the better? I try not to moan about the things I can't change & not to let the small things worry me. I have a different approach to life now & everyday I try and make it the best day yet. If I want to leave in the middle of the night to walk to a hilltop and look at the stars I will. If I want to book that holiday I will & if I want to eat that entire packet of cookies I will and why you ask? Because life is too effin' short not too.
I wanted to end this post by saying if you're dealing with loss, I understand. I won't tell you that it gets easier because I don't really think it does - you just get better at smiling and laughing more. What I can say is that they're still with you, in your heart, in your thoughts or in your prayers - they are there. Tell everyone around you how much you love them & make time for your friends and family. Never take people for granted & be grateful for the ones still around. Enjoy life and please please be happy. We are blessed to still be here, don't waste time, utilise it.
RIP beautiful angel, your soul will never grow old, its evergreen.
(If some of this doesn't make sense or there are spelling mistakes I'm sorry. I couldn't bring myself to read back through it)